OneShot Reservoir
by Kazemaru-kun
Summary: 10th Chapter: Today would always be remembered as the day Uchiha Sanosuke found out just how hard a girl could hit.
1. Of Birthdays and Undies

I'm so proud of myself. I got off my lazy butt, started writing a story, and was actually committed enough to finish it. Granted this is a really short story, but it's a small part of an even bigger story, and I'm still proud of myself for writing it. (Then I went and forgot my password and had to create a new account. Go Me!)

Now for warnings.clears throat **WARNING: **This is my first Naruto fanfic so I'm going to apologize in advance for any mistakes you might find. Second warning is that this oneshot is self edited so there might and probably are grammar and spelling mistakes. I'll try my best to keep these down to a minimum, but there's only so much the eyes of the author can catch.

Well that's it. Enjoy

Disclaimer: Hah! If I own Naruto I'd have a lot of NaruSaku/LeeSaku fans trying to kill me. --' It's so sad to think that one of my best friends would be among them.

"Happy Birthday, Sasuke!" Sasuke's brow twitched as the overly cheerful Kakashi presented him with a small box wrapped in blue paper and topped with a bright red bow.

"Kakashi-sensei," this was really too much. Even for him. "My birthday was weeks ago." And what a horrible birthday it had been. Dodging fan girls who'd camped out on his front lawn and then chased him all over Konoha proclaiming their love and forcing useless gifts on him. This year even included a few murderous guys who were tired of Sasuke 'getting all the girls.' That part hadn't been so bad. He got to relieve a little stress and help keep the hospitals in business. Then the chase was on again and he could have sworn that the number of girls after him had tripled since that morning. After being ambushed three times he finally sought sanctuary in Naruto's apartment. It was the perfect hiding place as no girl would dare go near it… Well no girl except Hinata and maybe Sakura on a few occasions. "You were at my birthday party. Why didn't you give this to me then?"

Naruto had, in fact thrown Sasuke a birthday party when the Uchiha had vaulted through his opened window and dived behind his couch in time to avoid a fourth ambush. It had been an extremely small party consisting of only three people besides the birthday boy and the host. In the end the little party had been almost enjoyable. It was an _almost _because towards the end Naruto started chasing him around the apartment demanding that Sasuke stand still so Naruto could give him his birthday licks; plus twenty for the road. Obviously that had been Naruto's real reason behind the hastily thrown party.

"Ah, but you see I was-"

"Liar." Sasuke deadpanned. He'd never yell it out like Naruto and Sakura did, but he wasn't going to stand there and listen to Kakashi's lies.

"You know I was going to tell the truth this time." Kakashi said, shoving his gift into the Uchiha prodigy's hands.

"No. You're going to burn in hell for all your lying." Sasuke fingered the package a little afraid to open it. Kakashi was notoriously famous for giving the one present people didn't want. "It isn't volume eight of Icha Icha Paradise, is it?"

"After you used Katon: Goukakyuu no Jutsu on the first seven volumes I bought you last year you think I'd waste money on buying you the eighth volume?" Kakashi asked looking extremely insulted.

"Oh." Sasuke mumbled hesitantly peeling off the wrapping paper. He was actually slightly disappointed that is wasn't Icha Icha Paradise. It was his own dirty little secret, but he had read and liked the first seven volumes. It was however a secret he was taking to his grave, especially with that rumor flying around that all strong male ninjas eventually turned into perverts. The stupid rumor was probably true. Just look at Kakashi and Jiraiya, and if Naruto's Sexy no Jutsu was any indication the fox boy was well on his way to becoming a pervert. Then there were people like Neji and Itachi. Long haired freaks. If they weren't gay Sasuke bet his kunai that they were closet perverts.

"Do you like it?" Kakashi's voice broke through his train of thought.

"Huh?" Sasuke blinked down at the opened box in his hands and then as carefully as he would had he been sticking his hand down a alligator's mouth he reached into the box and pulled out his gift. "Kakashi!"

"I take it, you like you like it very much." Kakashi smiled at his student behind his mask.

"What the hell is this!" Sasuke yelled thrusting the lacey, pink panties into Kakashi's face. "Why did you give me women's underwear!"

"They're not just women's underwear," the jounin sighed. "They're Sakura's underwear!" Sasuke choked.

"Sa-Sakura's?"

"Exactly!" He was far too happy about this. "I gave her a pair of your boxer shorts, you know the black ones with fans shaped like hearts on them, and then I thought 'Why not do the same for Sasuke?'. I already have next year's presents planned out." He pulled out a camera. "Pictures of your crush during different parts of their day. What do you think -THUMP- Sasuke?" This was certainly an unexpected reaction Kakashi decided as he stared down at the unconscious chunnin. Sasuke laid spread-eagle, blood trailing from his nose and Sakura's panties clutched tightly in his hand.

April 15 next year

"Happy Birthday, Sakura!" Kakashi said joyously shoving a brightly wrapped gift into his only female student's hands.

"Kakashi-sensei," she said slowly so as to not let on how pissed off she was, "my birthday-"

"Was a few weeks ago, I know." Kakashi groaned tiredly. A vein twitched on Sakura's forehead. "Open it!" He urged, never taking notice of his student's rapidly climbing temper.

"I'm afraid to." She mumbled, her temper deflating like a popped balloon. Sasuke's boxer shorts last year had been frightening, though inner Sakura had been giddy, and she was scared that this year's gift would be Naruto's thong.

"It's not clothing." Sakura opened her mouth to speak. "And it has nothing to do with Icha Icha Paradise." Her mouth snapped shut and swallowing her fear she begin tearing off the wrapping paper.

"KAKASHI!" Sakura dropped her present as both student and teacher's head jerked in the direction of the scream.

"What did you do?" The pink haired konoichi whispered with mounting fear. Sasuke was tearing towards them, eyes red and spinning and the Chidori crackling in his hand.

"I'll have to get back to you on that." Kakashi smiled, giving the girl's head an absent pat before speeding away.

"Get back here, you lying pervert!" Sasuke shot pass her without a second glance.

"Glad Sasuke-kun isn't angry with me." She said with a relieved shudder as she knelt down to retrieve her fallen present. With it safely back in her hands Sakura ripped the last of the paper away and pried the open. "What the hell?" The box fell to the ground with a soft thud. "What the hell's the wrong that man!" In her trembling hands she held a photo album filled to the brim with pictures of one Uchiha Sasuke. "Hasn't he ever heard of too much of a good thing?" She screeched. First the boxers and now this! He really was a pervert. "Oh lord… This is-is cute!" All anger faded as she stared at the picture of Sasuke fast asleep. There are so many, Sakura thought flipping through the album. There was one of Sasuke training, one of him eating, one of him hitting Naruto over the head, one of him brushing his teeth with a hand down his shorts. "Eww." There were just some things a girl never needed to see her crush doing and scratching himself was one of them. "Gross." One of Sasuke picking his nose. "No more bathroom shots." One of him sitting on the toilet. "Kakashi-sensei." If her teammate hadn't killed him yet she would do the perverted jounin in herself.

One of Sasuke stepping out of the shower. THUMP. Of course, Sakura mused before blacked out from blood loss, she could buy her beloved teacher the entire Icha Icha series.

"Bastard!" Sasuke yelled, his fist slamming into the tree Kakashi had been standing in front of a mere second ago. "Hold still!"

"Like hell." Kakashi muttered to himself. "You do realize," he said while catching Sasuke's leg before his foot could make contact with his head, "that Sakura has opened her present by now."

"KAKASHI!"

fin

Whew, believe it or not but this tiny thing took me nearly a week to write. Three days on paper and two days typing it. Ah, before I go I'd like to thank LittleLetty(and her totally awesome smut fic) and Twinbells(and her super cool doujinshi site) for giving me the inspiration for this little number.

Preview: The prize? Icha Icha Paradise the Movie, next installment, with thirty minutes deleted scenes not seen in theatres two months in advance for its movie premiere. The possible winners? Jiraiya and Kakashi. The bet? Who will lose their virginity first? Naruto or Sasuke? The problem? Jiraiya plays dirty. Save yourself Naruto! **WARNING:** There is **NO** **Yaoi** in this.

I'd say read and review, but then I'd feel like such a hypocrite. Time for me to get off my butt again and do something for the authors who give me inspiration.


	2. The Evils of Condoms

Awesome!(My exact words after checking my stats. Heh) One of my biggest fears about posting my story was that no one would find it funny, but you guys liked it. You really liked it! I want to thank and address every one of my reviewers personally(and since there's so few of them I can do that, but not here. I always hated having to scroll past that so check the bottom of the fic).

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto I'd devote an entire volume to SasuSaku love(and sex for us older fans), but damn it all! I don't!

Kakashi folded back the corner of his page and closed his book. "How long have they been waiting?" Pushing back his sleeve to glance at his wrist watch he discovered that so far Team 7 had not moved from the bridge in and were waiting for him for approximately one hour, twenty-two minutes, and seventeen seconds. "I still have a good hour and a half to kill." And if he got to a particularly interesting chapter he'd add another hour to that. With that decided he opened his book and continued reading when Jiraiya appeared with a loud poof and a ton of smoke.

"Kakashi how long has your team been down there?" Jiraiya asked, hooking a thumb in the bridge's direction where Team 7 could be faintly seen.

"I have at least two hours." He replied never glancing away from his book. "What do you want?" Jiraiya grinned broadly before proudly displaying a still vacuum sealed DVD. It was the next installment of the Icha Icha Paradise series with thirty minutes of deleted scenes not seen in the movies. Kakashi's book and jaw dropped. "That-"

"Isn't set to premiere in theatres for another two months, I know. Only three copies of this movie were made in advance on DVD and I own two. I might be willing to part with this one if you'll-"

"Anything."

"Just what I wanted to hear. Bring Naruto and Sasuke here after training and I'll explain the details." Jiraiya left with another loud poof.

"Kakashi-sensei, what does that ero-sannin want with us?" Kakashi mentally groaned. This was the tenth time that Naruto had asked that.

Outwardly he calmly said, "As I have said for the past thirty minutes, I don't know." As an afterthought he added a little more to keep the chunnin from asking again. "Maybe he wants you two to model the next cover in order to attract more female readers."

Naruto cackled loudly and prodded his teammate's head with his elbow several times. "Ne, ne the only reader's you'll attract are homosexuals. Sasuke-teme's too pretty to be a guy."

"Why are you laughing you giggling idiot!" Before Sasuke could deliver a blow of his own Naruto pitched over with a knot forming on the back of his head. "You're both disgraces to men!" Snickering, Kakashi pocketed his book in order to give the verbal abuse Jiraiya was dealing the two chunnins his full attention. "Sorry excuses for testosterone driven teenagers! Kakashi and I are ashamed to call you two our students!"

Actually Kakashi wasn't even sure if Sasuke was still listening. The boy's face was as expressionless as a marble slab. Naruto, on the other hand, looked ready to explode with an insulting 'Ero-sannin!'

"Virgins!" Jiraiya spat the word out. "The both of you!" Naruto's explosion could no longer be contained.

"Ero-sannin-ack!" He ducked and Sasuke caught it millimeters from his face, but they were both left looking confused at the small object Jiraiya had thrown at them. "What is this?" If Naruto didn't know any better he would had sworn that it was-

"It's a condom, dobe."

"So who gets who?" Kakashi asked watching his students walk away. Sasuke walked with a slow and calm gait, his hands stuffed in his pockets, and his face as stony as ever. Kakashi suspected that he was boiling with rage and embarrassment on the inside. Naruto stomped every step while screaming all the oaths he knew, along with a few made up on the spot, at the top of his lungs.

"Hhmm." Jiraiya cradled his jaw in his hand and scratched his chin. "To be fair since they were initially your students you should get first pick." A wicked grin crossed his face. "But I'm not fair. I claim Naruto!" A loud poof and more smoke and he was gone before Kakashi could protest.

"That means that I get Sasuke." His Icha Icha Paradise movie was riding on a human ice cube with a nonexistent libido. Did that boy even have hormones? Was he attracted to girls? "Damn."

"I can't believe ero-sannin! Or Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto paused to consider his words. "No, wait. Yes I can believe them. I can do it very easily, but…." He wrapped his fingers around the cloth of Sasuke's shirt and proceeded to shake the Uchiha prodigy. "What do we do, Sasuke-teme!" Their conditions had been to find a girl willing to sleep with them and to not bother coming back for training until they had. "We can't just walk up to a girl and say 'Let's have sex so my sensei will train m-" Sasuke clamped a hand over Naruto's mouth.

"I don't know, dobe." The constant chattering and shaking had plucked Sasuke's last nerve "And there is no we. We've been given the same 'mission', but we are not doing it together." Sasuke released his teammate, spun on his heel, and walked away.

"Ne, Sasuke-teme, two heads are better-"

Sasuke stopped in his tracks and looked back wondering why Naruto had abruptly stopped talking. "Naruto?" The blond ninja was gone. Odd. Why would he teleport in the middle of a sentence? "Not my problem."

After resigning himself to the fact that in order to win Sasuke had to get some, Kakashi decided to make the best of this. It was scientifically impossible for Sasuke to not have hormones. The problem was that his needed a little jump start and Kakashi was going to give him one even if had to kidnap Sasuke, duck tape him to a chair, and force feed him the previous Icha Icha Paradise movies. All he had to do now was find the self claimed avenger.

"No! You can't make me!" Kakashi blinked once. Twice. "I won't do it!" Naruto screamed, digging his heels into the ground. Jiraiya's deathlock on his arms didn't loosen and he continued to pull his student despite the slight resistance.

"Huh." Apparently he wasn't the only one planning to kick hormones into action, but poor Naruto. Jiraiya was playing hard ball.

"It's for your own good, boy." Jiraiya gritted his teeth and gave an extra hard tug completely dragging Naruto into Konoha's best, and possibly only, brothel. "You'll thank me for this one day."

"No. I won't betray my Hinata-chan!" Naruto twisted his arms free and bolted for the door just to crash into it as it opened. "You're in on this too!" He pointed an accusing finger at Kakashi, who had only wandered in because watching Jiraiya try to force the virginity out of Naruto was just something he didn't want to miss. "Well it won't work! You can't make me betray her either." Kakashi stepped away from the opened door to give Naruto a path to bolt a second time. Jiraiya tackled him before he reached the door frame. "No! Hinata-chan help!" Kakashi watched as Jiraiya turned to the stunned workers and assured them that as a first timer, Naruto was just nervous. Unfortunately, with his attention elsewhere he didn't hear his flailing pupil, wrapped tightly in his arms, call out his infamous jutsu. "Sexy no Jutsu!"

"She seems fine to me." An attendant commented.

"She?" Jiraiya turned back to Naruto to find him replaced with a very blond, very beautiful, and very naked young girl. "Gah!" Kakashi knew Naruko when he saw her and he was also very much aware that she was actually Naruto using a jutsu. Jiraiya had known Naruto for years, had even had the jutsu applied to him on several occasions, so it was impossible for him to not be familiar with the fox boy's gender bendering skill. He still, none the less, fell victim to it. In the 1.2 seconds his grip had loosened in surprise Naruko wriggled free and ran for the safety of the confines of the brothel. Kakashi congratulated her on using her brains for once. Jiraiya was the Hokage of perverts and for anyone who knew that outsmarting him wasn't terribly hard. As long as Naruko remained hidden among the prostitutes Jiraiya wouldn't find her and she could escape the brothel with her virginity intact.

"You do know that the only person he'd willingly sleep with right now is Hyuuga Hinata, right?" Not one to admit defeat Jiraiya announced his new plan.

"Then I'll just get Hina-" He trailed off at the shaking of Kakashi's head. "I won't?" The silver haired jounin raised his index finger.

"One: As you have just seen, Naruto has morals. He would never sleep with Hinata because we're withholding training until he does get laid." He raised his next finger to join the first. "Two: Even if Naruto were to sleep with her under his own violation he wouldn't live long enough to repeat the act. Were he to deflower Hinata outside of marriage the Hyuugas would kill him." He raised a third and final finger. "Three: Hyuuga Neji has the mother of all sister complexes. He'll murder Naruto and you or at least try to pretty damn hard."

Jiraiya summed up his luck in one word, "Shit."

"Freedom!" Naruko yelled, busting out the back doors of the brothel before proceeding to practically skip joyously down the street and far away from the living nightmare. So happy was she that she totally forgot to release the jutsu. "I'm still a virgin!"

A passerby took one look at Naruko's naked form and thought, "Yeah right!"

"Hhmm, I could use some ramen right now." Actually her philosophy was anytime was good for ramen, but right now was an especially good time. She had, after all, just escaped death or something quite like it. She did really need her comfort food. "Ramen and Hinata-chan. Nothing better than those two in the world." And who should come across her path to Ichiraku but Hinata herself? "Hinata-chan!" Face visibly brightening, Naruko ran the timid girl down and crushed her to a plush chest in a tight hug. "Oh Hinata-chan, you don't know how happy I am to see you." Naruko gushed swinging the poor heiress to and fro in the bear hug. "You wouldn't believe what ero-sannin tried to do… Well maybe you would-" Hinata hadn't heard a word. All her world consisted of were the soft bare breast her face was nestled on. In other words she had been scared witless. "-but I wouldn't do it because I love my Hinata-chan!" Naruko finished with a content sigh. She then leaned down to place a kiss on her girlfriend's lips. Hinata snapped out of her stupor before contact was made and screamed bloody murder. "Eh?" Naruko recoiled in shock. "What's wrong?" At that moment the poor girl blacked out. "Ah! Hinata-chan, wake-" Naruko's words caught in her throat as she stared at the hands holding the Hyuuga heiress. They were small, smooth, and soft. Just like a woman's hands. "I'm so stupid." He quickly dispelled his jutsu and gently shook Hinata.

"Naruto." Said boy nearly dropped the girl in his arms from the sheer amount of bloodlust he could feel radiating from behind him. "You have five seconds to remove your hands before I snap them off at the elbow." Dread mounting the blond ninja turned his head.

"Ne-Neji." The Hyuuga prodigy had a glare fierce enough to drop birds out of the sky and his veins stood out against the sides of his head. "It isn't what it looks like." Naruto said desperately.

Neji's Byakukan gaze hardened. "It looks like you're taking advantage of her in her sleep. Tell me Naruto, if you're not groping Hinata-sama's breasts what are you doing?"

"Huh?" Naruto looked down genuinely surprised to see one of his hands planted firmly on Hinata's chest. "I-I wasn't… I didn't mean…" Racking his brain Naruto found the cause to his deadly outcome. Just moments ago he'd almost dropped his girlfriend and in his scramble to catch her certain appendages touched and remained on places he was never meant to feel. At least not yet. "There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this. See I was naked-Ack!" Naruto slapped a hand over his mouth realizing that that was the worst possible thing he could say. "No! I mean-" Too late. The damage had been done. Neji was livid. "Neji, listen! Jiraiya gave me a condom and-"

"You are within my field of divination." He said preparing to use the 64 hands of Hakke. Naruto started shaking.

Kakashi whirled around facing the direction of Ichiraku wondering if he had heard right. The most agonized scream had come from that vicinity if his ears weren't failing him. "They must have run out of ramen." The scream did sound an awfully lot like Naruto so it was a reasonable explanation. "That boy needs to find another favorite food." Kakashi muttered, continuing his trek. Mentally preparing himself for the fight he may have on his hands he stopped at his destination and knocked on Sasuke's apartment door. "Yo. Sasuke." He only had to knock twice before the door swung open.

"I've been expecting you." Kakashi's visible brow rose in question. "Here." Sasuke stuck his fist out the doorway and uncurled his fingers. Sitting innocently in the palm of his hand was an unopened condom. "Sakura didn't want to use it." He said as his teacher, shocked out of his mind, plucked the condom from his hand. "She thinks since I haven't worn one before in the past three months there's no point to having protected sex now." He smirked. "I do have a clan to restore." He then closed the door leaving the jounin to stare at the wood.

"Did he buy it?" Sakura asked once Sasuke rejoined her on the couch.

"Hn." He grunted, lying down to rest his head on her lap.

"I can't believe those perverts." She hissed, running her fingers through his raven hair.

"Yes you can." Sasuke mumbled letting her ministrations lull him to sleep. Neither he nor Sakura had actually had sex. They had only started dating three months ago, but it was a nice ruse to get Kakashi to leave him alone. Besides, they weren't ready to go that for or have kids. Which was just as well because Sasuke had no desire to share his Sakura with any little bogger eater's right now. The clan could wait.

"Liars." Kakashi scoffed, pulling his ear away from the door's surface. "But if Sasuke wants to go with that story it's fine by me." He stowed the condom away in his pocket, pulled out his copy of Icha Icha Paradise, strolled off to find one frog hermit. What Jiraiya didn't know got Kakashi the next Icha Icha Paradise movie two months in advance with deleted scenes on DVD.

__

fin

Wheee! I finished! I don't know why this took me so long to transfer from paper to computer. I'm not really a slow typer…It must be my short attention span or maybe it could be the **Eldest**! Some may disagree but I think it and it's predecessor Eragon easily thump Harry Potter(especially after the Half Blood Prince, but I think I'm just biased because my ship was cruelly and coldheartedly sunk). When I got to those last few chapters and found out about Eragon and Murtagh's relationship it was just.. Wow! **Slight Spoiler Warning**(**for those who like this series**) Totally blew me away, what a plot twist that was, never saw it coming although I never for a second believed that the Urgals killed Murtagh and the Twins in the first chapter.

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Preview: Uchiha Sasuke soon discovers that when his two year old son wants his attention not even preparation for an A-ranked ANBU mission will stop him from getting it. **WARNING**: I think this came out more fluff than funny.

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Preview: When it is discovered that the Uchihas lied about their so-called mission seven month pregnant Uzumaki-Hyuuga Hinata is left wondering why she and her husband are babysitting their four year old godson. When the youngest Uchiha supplies the answer they learn that kids really do say the darnest things. **WARNING**: This whole fic revolves around telling a perverted joke. I'll try my hardest to make sure it's funny.

Expect one, if not both, of these fics to be out during this three day weekend.

To: **MissxRae. **I'm glad that I could provide you with so much humor. I hope you find this chapter just as funny.

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IQSymphic. You are very much welcomed and sorry about being in such a bad place for reading something funny. I know the feeling. This one had a giggle fit during a test that decided whether or not I passed the class.

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Gwynu. I'm more afraid for Sakura. Imagine living knowing that your pervert of a teacher is stalking you at some point of the day just waiting to take pictures of you in your most embarrassing and private moments. Hey idea! Thanks for giving it to me.

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Mako Red Eyes. Thank you. I try and for being the totally amazing sensei he is Kakashi deserves tons of hugs!

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XyoushaX. Aa, it was so perverted because I am in fact a big pervert, but I'm the closet kind so… Shhh! No one who actually knows me is aware of this. It's my own dirty little secret.

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Pei-chan. I must say that as my very first reviewer you brought the most joy(but I love you all equally). I thank you for LYFAO at my fic.

Please enjoy this next installment everyone and review if you want. I get so pumped whenever I read one. Makes me wanna glue my butt to a chair and type away.


	3. What Aranked Mission Preparation Fears

I told you reviews pumped me up and made me want to glue my butt to a chair and type away, didn't I? This was like, what? Three updates in a week's time? New record for me! But that's only because I had all these stories allready written in my notebook(and I don't know why I never thought to use one before since I certainly can't lug around my computer writing whenever inspiration hits me). Something strange happened while I was writing this. I kicked myself for writing such a short fic, added a few more scenes, and Sasuke and Sakura's kid turned from a sweet angel into a little hell child. Go figure. Anyway I'd like to thank my mother and my dog for giving the idea for this little bundle of joy and my reviewers for giving me the incentive to produce it.

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto I'd be clever enough to think of something witty to say here.

"Tou-chan?" A tiny voice called from behind a large, yellowing scroll. "Tou-chan?" An impatient tug at a black pants leg. Realizing that he would not get any work done until he addressed his son Sasuke lowered the scroll to stare at two wide green eyes partially covered by raven locks. "Tou-chan." The tiny voice said again, raising his arm up.

"Sano-chan," Sasuke sighed, looking down at his son who obviously wanted to play. The little boy was barely two in both age and height. He had just woken from his nap and was still wearing his light blue Uchiha printed footy pajamas. In the hand he had raised into the air he tightly clutched a fox plushie; given to him by his godparents. He was sucking the thumb of his other hand.

"Up, Tou-chan. Up." Sasuke shook his head and reached out to ruffle his son's sable hair.

"Tou-chan has a lot of work to do. We'll play later." Confident that his son would go find someone else to entertain him Sasuke picked up his scroll and continued reading. He got pass two words when he felt another tug at his pants leg, slightly harder than the first. "Sano-chan, not now." He groaned, putting his work aside, now determined to detach his persistent son.

-/-

"Now stay here and play like a good boy." Sasuke instructed looking anywhere but at his son's crestfallen green eyes. They were wider than usual and watery at the fact that he had been confined to his playpen and would not be able to play with his beloved father. "We'll play later, okay." A small glance at a quivering lip on a round little face on the verge of tears and his resolve nearly cracked. "Later." Sasuke assured turning away from the playpen. He managed two steps to the couch before…

"TOU-CHAN!" Sano screamed pointing a frantic finger through his pen. "Kaka-sensei!" His stubby finger was trained on a small rag like doll lying on the floor by Sasuke's feet. It bore a scary resemblance to one perverted jounin. "Get Kaka-sensei!" With an amused smile he retrieved the doll for his son and finally returned to the couch and his work. He took in five whole characters this time before, "TOU-CHAN!" Sasuke nearly ripped the scroll in half. "Kaka-sensei Tou-chan!" The rag doll had made its way to the floor again. "Get him!" Once more the scroll was set aside as Sasuke grabbed the doll off the floor and placed it back into his son's hands. It was promptly thrown out the playpen the second his back was turned. "TOU-CHAN!" And so it continued as thus for an hour. Sano would scream for his Kaka-sensei doll, Sasuke would give it to him, the boy would throw it back to the floor and then scream for it again.

It was a haggard Sasuke that snatched the doll up, gripping it hard enough to squeeze the stuffing out of it, and hurled it to the top of a bookcase after Sano had screamed for it for the twenty-fourth time. He flashed a poor attempt of a smile, poor because the muscles around his mouth were twitching, and said, "Kaka-sensei had to go to a book signing." Sano pouted but seemed to accept that he wasn't getting Kaka-sensei back. Relieved Sasuke walked away. TWACK A plastic shuriken smacked him in the head with alarming accuracy.

"Got's to potty." Sano said when he father faced him with wide eyes and a noticeable tic in his eyebrow.

-/-

"Don't take too long." Sasuke warned after he'd unbuttoned the bottom of his son's pajamas and placed the little boy on his small toilet. "Let me know when you're finished." He left Sano alone to do his business which Sasuke realized after ten minutes of waiting outside the bathroom door was a very stupid mistake. "Sano-chan?" A loud squeal of laughter answered his call. Worried his son might be discovering the limits of the toilet bowl again he strode into the bathroom expecting the worst. What he found was a pair of blue footy pajamas and underwear minus one Uchiha. Sasuke quirked a brow and looked around. Where had that boy gone? Another peal of laughter directed his attention to an opened window. "Damn it." He muttered climbing through the window in time to see his son's naked little pale body run around the side of the house. "Sanosuke!"

-/-

"Sano-chan," he was kneeling in front of his son and rubbing his temple. Sano had been caught, redressed, and confined to his playpen for a timeout. Sasuke had removed all possible projectiles except for the fox plushie. Sano'd cried uncontrollable the moment his father had taken it away. "Tou-chan has a lot of important work to do. He needs you to be a good boy and behave. Can you do that?" Sano sniffled loudly burying his face in his fox and nodded his head. "Good." He collapsed onto the couch certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that he'd finally get some work done. With the scroll in his procession again he let his eyes run across its contents never taking notice of his son who was picking at the lock on his playpen with a plastic shuriken Sasuke had missed in his toy confiscation. He achieved a new record of fifteen words when his pants leg received a third tug. Sasuke's eyes fell away from the scroll and landed on the top of the young boy's head with an irritated glare. Sano was staring attentively at the fox plush in his hand.

"Hmm." With a mournful look he tossed his fox on the couch cushion besides his father. "Sowwy, Uubi." He mumbled around a mouthful of his thumb, and Sasuke thought it odd that the plush had been named Kyuubi when it only had one tail, before scowling at the offending digit and popping it out of his mouth. "Uh-huh." Hands now free he grasped his father's pants legs again and gave an extremely hard pull, harder still than the first three. Sano managed to heave himself over his father's knees when Sasuke, who'd given up on his scroll, slipped a hand under the boy's kicking feet and gave him the extra boost needed to crawl completely into his lap.

"Work." Sano quipped once he had settled against Sasuke's stomach and retrieved Kyuubi from where in Sano's opinion he'd been unjustly thrown. He patted Sasuke's hand, the one still grasping the scroll, and his thumb flew back into his mouth. "Work Tou-chan. Play later." Uchiha Sanosuke was one very determined little boy.

-/-

"Sasuke-kun have you seen-"

"Shh." Sasuke smiled at his wife, a finger held to his lips, and raised the ends of the scroll so she could see their son. Sano had fallen asleep on his father sucking his thumb contently and hugging Kyuubi.

"Sorry." Sakura whispered gesturing to his work which was no doubt for an A-ranked mission. She picked Sano up to take him to bed.

"You don't have to-" He trailed off in confusion as instead of taking their son to his room Sakura simply took his place on Sasuke's lap. "Sakura?" He asked as she leaned back cradling Sano in her arms.

"Shh." She sat up slightly to kiss his cheek and then settled back in her previous position. "Work now. Play later."

fin

If anyone's thinking I ripped Sano's name off Rurouni Kenshin you're absolutely right, but I have a good reason. And if you've ever read volume 2 The Secret Lives of Characters(6) you'd know why. I thought it be kind of funny see: **"Sano's popularity has been climbing of late, and that's a good thing. But as the Rurouni Kenshin character voted "Most Likely to Have His First Name Mangled" (I see people writing the kanji for "Sanosuke" with the "Sa-" wrong, the "no-" wrong, the "suke" wrong…even, in one case, writing it "Sasuke"!), all I can say is, C'mon, people-he's not a ninja! (Sad…so sad.)" **Were Nobuhiro Watsuki's exact words(after translation). Was he referring to the real Sasuke or our little Uchiha avenger I'm not sure, but still…

**Preview:** A dog is a domesticated wolf that sees its owner as the leader of the pack, but sometimes in male dogs there may be a little confusion on who is the alpha male. Such is the case for newlywed Uchiha Sasuke who's new puppy(wedding gift) seems to think that Sakura is his wife. Now the puppy's sleeping in bed with the pink haired medicnin and Sasuke's in the dog house. There are just so many things wrong with that.

Chapters four and five haven't been written yet, but since on average it takes me about a week to crank out a oneshot they won't be long in waiting.

Hey, hey I got new reviewers! Cool! This is proof that I no longer write utter crap.

To: **XyoushaX- **No, no. I don't think it's just you. I had a friend who rivaled Jiraiya but if you dared entertained the thought that she wasn't a virgin she'd be all over you like a crazed harpy. Now I hope you like my chibi Uchiha(he's smart enough to do tons of things as you see) and yes overprotective older brother Neji rocks hard.

**IQSymphic-** Eheh, I'm sorry you didn't find chapter two as funny as chapter one, but glad you liked it anyway. If this one doesn't make up for it the third and fourth one probably will. Oh and what exactly should I change it too? Putting all my oneshots under one fic seemed the best way to go to me, but if you know of something better clue me in.

**cuito-** And unite we shall! But not under this chapter…Try number four when I post it, but still read this one though! It's low on the hentai, but pretty high on fluff and fun I think.

**Crystal Renee-**Well you didn't have to wait very long for more, did you?

**psychedelic aya-** Whoa you know what's weird? You posted your review at the exact same time I was uploading chapter two. Wow, but thank you. My joy is you finding happiness in my writing.

If these- /- come up it means I've finally found a way to successfully separate my scenes.


	4. The Facts of Life

You know what plot bunnies are right? Well I was attacked by rapid plot hares and it made writing this very hard because it wouldn't stop pestering me with ideas for other chapters. For some strange reason the short funny(and perverted) fic I had planned out turned into this-this-Well I'm not sure what to call it. The darn thing just got away from me and I'm not very pleased with how it came out. The next chapters though are pretty pinned down and the humor in them won't be lost.

Disclaimer: I'm still a few months short of being able to buy SasuSaku doujinshi on eBay. If I can't own the amateur art there's just no way I own the real deal.

"I home!" Sano smiled brightly hopping off the kitchen counter. The moment his bare feet touched the linen floor he shot off down the halls screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Naruto-oji-chan's back!"

"Don't run in the house Sano-chan." Hinata admonished, slowly waddling after the little Uchiha. Sano continued to scream about Naruto being home with no change in his speed. He was determined to reach his godfather first, not that Hinata was much competition. She was seven months pregnant after all.

"Naruto-oji-chan!" Sano tackled his godfather and Naruto fell down with a loud and pain filled yelp. Hinata rounded the corner to see him lying on the floor dazed, his ANBU masks sticking out of a vase, and Sano sitting atop his chest animatedly chattering away. "And then… And then…" He slapped his godfather's cheek a few times to snap him out of his daze and to be certain he had his undivided attention. What he was about to reveal was vital information. "And then Hinata-ba-chan said we can't have ramen tonight! And I got to-" Sano's narration of the day fell on deaf ears after his declaration that ramen would not be served for dinner.

"Hin-Hinata-chan?" Naruto stared up at his wife eyes wide and glassy practically begging her to tell him it wasn't true.

"Sorry Naruto-kun," Hinata answered with a giggle. "I felt like eating western food tonight." Naruto whimpered pitifully, sitting up so Sano slid off his chest and into his lap.

"Only for you Hinata-chan. You and the baby."

"And me?" Sano asked anxiously, tugging at the blond ninja's clothes. Naruto grinned down at his godson and patted his spiky black hair.

"Of course, you too."

"Naruto-kun, how are Neji-nii-san and Kiba-kun?" Hinata asked, calling his attention away from the beaming little boy in his lap.

"Neji's fine, but Kiba broke his wrist." He said with a small snicker as he stood up swinging his godson over his shoulder. "Lee got a little too into his character. He was so drunk and Kiba tried to restrain him…" His giggle fit became to much to talk through and though she felt wrong for laughing at her ex-teammate's expense Hinata could not help but join him as well. "It wasn't anything seriously damaging to the mission, but now Kiba knows to stand clear of a drunken Lee."

"And Sakura-chan and Sasuke-kun?" A confused frown flittered across Naruto's face while Sano kicked and wiggled from his place on his shoulder demanding to be let down.

"Why would I know about them?" He grasped the fidgety boy about his waist, raised him off his shoulder, and held him out to Hinata. "You were the last to see them, right? When they dropped off Sano-chan?"

"Yes, the last time I saw them was when they brought Sano-chan here, but that was because they needed me to baby-sit while they went on the mission with…" She trailed off to the shaking of Naruto's blond head.

"Sakura-chan and Sasuke weren't assigned to this mission. Why do you think Kiba had to go undercover as Lee's date? No available konoichi." Hinata's eyes slowly settled on the top of Sano's head. The boy had gone very still and quiet in Naruto's hands.

"Then why did they tell me-" At that moment Sano burst into tears while babbling incoherently. "Sano-chan!" Hinata swiped him out of his godfather's hands and held him to her chest, patting his back. He buried his hot reddening face into her neck and continued to babbling mostly nonsense with big fat tears rolling down his cheeks. Although most of the words out of his mouth were garbled with hiccups Hinata managed to catch the gist of what he was saying. "Oh no. No, of course they don't." She hurried to console him while glancing up at Naruto. He mouthed a 'What's wrong?' and she replied with a slight shrug.

-/-

It was a surprising exhausting task to calm Sano down enough so that he could tell his godparents what was wrong. "Tou-chan and Kaa-chan hate me!" He wailed from his place on the couch between Hinata and Naruto. He was nearly hugging the stuffing out of Kyuubi. Naruto's hand dropped to Sano's head and he brushed the boy's soft black bangs back.

"Why would they hate you?" Sano hiccupped.

"I attacked Tou-chan!" Naruto choked and Hinata went pale.

_Sano starred attentively at his hands. He glared at them as if they were the reason he could not perform the Katon: Goukakyuu no Jutsu. The real possible reason probably had something to do with the fact that he was only four years old and had been practicing for the past two hours with little to no success. He was, however, very determined to master the jutsu and after he finished mentally berating his small hands he squared his shoulders and began the seals. He cupped his hand over his mouth and poured all the chakra he could spare into his thirty-seventh effort. A tiny plume of fire, big enough to light a few candles at best, spewed from his mouth burning a meager three seconds before fizzling out. Sheer Uchiha pride kept him from crying in frustration. What he had done was nothing compared to the massive flames his father could produce and Sano didn't have enough chakra to attempt another try. All he could do was accept his small victory. It hadn't been much, but it was still something. _

Grrr! His growling stomach pulled him out of his musing. Grrr! Sano patted his belly and glanced up at the sky. The sun had moved far from its previous position. Though he had been outside for a long while it was nowhere near dinner time, but he did have a good chance at a snack. Odds were his mother all ready had one prepared for him.

"I was practicing a jutsu in the backyard and I got hungry." Sano slid down in his seat trying to hide behind Kyuubi. "Tou-chan-Tou-chan was at a-a meeting and Kaa-chan was home with me. I got hungry, right, so I went to the kitchen."

It never ceased to amaze Sano how quiet the house was when he wasn't in it. What did his parents do to liven things up before his came along? Certainly couldn't have been anything very fun. "Snack. Snack. Snack." Sano chanted as he trotted into the kitchen and looked around at the counters and the table. He grabbed a table chair by its leg, dragged it over to a counter, and climbed into the seat. "Snack?" Now level with the counters he could see that there wasn't a plate of food in sight.

"There wasn't any food in the kitchen and Kaa-chan wasn't there either."

_No food. No mother. There was something wrong here. Sano slipped off the chair and out the kitchen. "Kaa-chan?" He called, padding down the hallway and checking every room in search of his elusive mother. _

"I went looking for her and-and when I found her…"

_"Mhmm, Sasuke-kun." Sano perked up instantly recognizing his mother's voice and she had said Sasuke-kun! That meant his father was home! Sano picked up his pace and ran towards the room where Sakura's voice had come from. _

_"Ka-" The rest of the word caught in his throat as his eyes widened in horror and his skin turned stark white. Quite a feat considering he was as pale as his father._

"I found her and Tou-chan… He was… He-he…"

_Sano took a wobbly step back not believing his eyes. What they were showing him could not be true. He was not seeing a shirtless Sasuke on top of Sakura, who's own shirt had been ripped opened. _

"He was on Kaa-chan and…"

_He was between her legs and it looked like he was moving against her. Sano's eyes made a shaky trail to his mother. Tears were rolling down her flushed face and she was biting her lip. _

"It looked like… I thought that-that…"

_This wasn't right, Sano thought taking another step back. What was wrong with his mother? Why did she look like that? He couldn't see his father's face. It was buried in Sakura's chest. Which was just fine because his father's face was probably just as terrifying as his mother's face. It really was a scary sight. She looked like she was-Like she was- _

_"Ahh!" Like she was in pain!_

_"Don't you hurt my Kaa-chan!" Sano screamed, launching himself at Sasuke._

"I thought that he was hurting her so I-"

_Sasuke jerked away from Sakura as if she had the plague. Sano continued to kick, punch, scratch, and bite at him. "Sanosuke!" He turned around struggling to get the boy's flailing limbs under control. _

_"Sano-chan!" Sakura grabbed her son away from his father when his tiny sandaled foot connected with Sasuke's chin._

"So I-I…" Hinata shushed him and held a tissue to his running nose.

"Blow." Sano did as he was told and Hinata disposed of the soiled tissue when he was finished. "They do not hate you. Tou-chan and Kaa-chan may be a little…" She struggled for the right word. "Frustrated, but not at you. Never at you." She glared at Naruto over Sano's head. Her husband was chocking on badly concealed laughter.

"But-but I attacked Tou-chan. I tried to hurt him!"

"But you did it for a good reason!" Sano jerked his face up to stare at his godfather. "I mean-Well you only did it to protect your Kaa-chan and yeah she wasn't really in pain, but you still-It may have been the wrong situation, but you did the right thing. You tried to protect someone precious to you even though you thought she was being hurt by another of your precious people." Naruto slung an arm around Sano's shoulders and pulled him close in a hug. "You did what any little boy who loves his Kaa-chan would do. What any good shinobi would do. Don't ever think otherwise, okay?"

"Okay." Sano said with a nod before wiggling out of Naruto's hold and crawling into Hinata's lap, or what was left of her lap. He pressed the side of his face and the palms of his hands to her rounded belly. Listening to the baby move always made him feel better. He pressed his face a little closer when he felt his godmother's fingers brush against his scalp. It was comforting to know his parents didn't hare him for what he had done. It had bothered him since he had committed the act yesterday and to be told that he did nothing wrong in response to what his-Sano sat up abruptly with a frown marring his features. What had his parents been doing anyway? "Um, Naruto-oji-chan? If Kaa-chan and Tou-chan weren't, um, hurting each other? Well, what were they doing?" The blood drained from Naruto's face.

"Uh well that's a good question and it's-It's kind of… Complicated!" He was reaching. Naruto knew it, but he didn't want to explain the facts of life to Sano. Not only would Sakura and Hinata kill him if he did, but tainting his four year old godson's innocence like that didn't seem right. "It's so complicated that," but what could he do? Sano wanted answers. "I can't explain it, but I bet Hinata-ba-chan can." He could always dump the problem on his wife. She was probably better than him at this.

"Naruto-kun." Hinata could have smacked him.

"Oww!" She did smack him, but who could blame her? How could he shovel that question onto her like that?

"Hinata-ba-chan?" This was just her rotten luck. How was she going to get out of this besides throwing it right back at her husband?

"Ask again in sixteen years, Sano-chan." Nothing beats a good old fashioned dodge.

-/-

"Sakura-chan. Sasuke-teme." Naruto greeted his best friends at his door hours later after dinner and Sano's bedtime. "How was your mission?" It took everything he had and then some to not laugh out loud at the mere sight of them. At the word 'mission' Sasuke's eyes had narrowed into a suspicious glare and Sakura turned red up to her hairline. "Must have been a hard one. Sasuke-teme's got a nice bruised chin and all."

"Naruto-kun," Hinata intervened before Sasuke snapped and gave the blond a bruise to match his own. Naruto shrugged good naturally before grabbing Sasuke's arm and hauling him into the house and down the hall. Hinata watched them leave and then turned to address her other guest. "Sakura-chan."

"Hinata-chan." They both mumbled, looking anywhere but at each other and feeling absolutely ridiculous for doing so. Sakura knew that Hinata knew that the whole A-ranked mission babysitting had been a lie and that she had actually spent the day at home alone with Sasuke picking up where they had left off after their son had interrupted. Hinata knew that Sakura knew that she knew that is was all a lie. There wasn't much reason from them to be so embarrassed, especially at their age.

"Um…" Hinata uttered desperately trying to break the awkward silence.

"Oww! Damn it Sasuke-teme, that hurt!" Fortunately for her she didn't have to. Naruto continued to yell obscenities at his best friend as Sano, who'd awaken to all the shouting, trotted up to the two kunoichis. He rubbed at his eyes with one hand curled into a fist and carried Kyuubi in his other.

"Hinata-ba-chan," he mumbled, hugging her legs because he knew bending down to give him one was a challenge for her seven month pregnant body. "Bye-bye." He wasn't exactly sure what the words 'Sasuke-teme' meant, but for him hearing it meant it was time to go home.

"Sano-chan," Sakura called, kneeling down so that she was level with the eyes identical to her own. Her son was so upset yesterday that she and Sasuke hadn't really gotten anywhere with explaining to him what had happened and what he had saw, but it needed to be done. "Tou-chan and I-Mmphf-" Sano attacked his mother in a glomp, wrapping his chubby arms around her neck.

"Naruto-oji-chan said that when you're protecting your precious person, even if you're doing it from another, you're doing the right thing."

"And Naruto-oji-chan is never wrong!" Naruto chimed, walking up with ice packs held to his chin and left eye. Apparently Sasuke thought that just one matching bruise wasn't good enough for him. "He knows what he's talking about, right Sano-chan?" Said boy simply nodded his head.

"Up, Kaa-chan." Sano mumbled, falling back to sleep nuzzled against Sakura's chest as she stood up with him in her arms.

"Thanks Naruto, Hinata-chan." The blond ninja gave her a thumbs up.

"Hey, it's in the job description."

"Hn. I loved to see you try to maintain that cheery attitude after you kid is born, dobe." Sasuke commented. He slipped passed the Uzumakis with an ice pack to his swelling cheek. Naruto certainly hadn't let him get away with punching him.

"Yeah right, teme. You think I'm afraid about being a father." Naruto rested a palm on Hinata's stomach and flipped Sasuke off with his other hand. "I'll be a better Tou-chan than you!" The two kunoichi wives sighed in exasperation. Did everything their husbands do have to turn into a completion? Any day now they were going to start arguing over who was growing old the fastest or something just as stupid. "You'll see. I won't let my child catch me doing-"

"Na. Ru. To. Kun." Hinata hissed out, slapping a hand over his mouth. "Goodbye Sakura-chan, Sasuke-kun." Sasuke bid a farewell with a slight nod of his head before turning on his heel and walking away.

"Thanks again Hinata-chan." Sakura said, smiling down at the mop of sable hair resting under her neck.

"No problem just…" Here Hinata became very interested in the tips of her toes which were the only part of her feet she could still see. "Just promise me you and Sasuke-kun can baby-sit when Naruto-kun and I have an A-ranked mission."

fin

Usually I start rambling after the _fin_, but not this time around.

Preview: First time father Uzuamki Naruto enlists four year father Uchiha Sasuke's help when his wife leaves him home alone with the baby for the first time. However, Naruto finds out that no matter how many years of parenting you may have under your belt accidents can happen and happen they do.

Preview: The Sharingan wasn't the only trait Sasuke passed down to his son and when the dormant gene expresses itself in eight year old Sanosuke in explosive ways it leaves Sakura wishing her husband had kept the damn thing to himself.

That's three chapter previews I've given you guys, but don't expect any of them to come out in the order they were given.

To **Crystal Renee**: Hey, hey no beating the Great Kazemaru-kun with rubber sticks even if it is a nice scary incentive. Anyway here's chapter four with more of Sano-chan. I'm not too happy with it, but hopefully you'll like it.

Gwynu: I'm sorry this wasn't Sasuke vs. Puppy for role of Leader of the Pack. Unfortunately I don't know when my muse will hop back on that one. Hope you enjoy the others I'll put up though.

IQSymphic: Yes, yes I should take Sakura's advice. If I did I wouldn't spend my bus rides to school in the morning scrambling to finish essay papers that were assigned a week ago because I didn't bother to start writing until the day it was due. You know it's kind of weird that they do seem to be in chronological order. The original intent was for these to be a series of unrelated oneshots. What we got now is something that just kind of happened, but I don't know how long that'll keep up. And that was a typo on my part. It read third and fourth but it was supposed to be fourth and fifth.. My mind hadn't exactly registered Chapter 3 as an actual chapter yet.

XyoushaX: Hehehe, Sano-chan's got fans! And I do believe that we have all spoiled our parents' plans when we were young. Oh and I guess this chapter is kind of a turnaround from your prediction isn't it?

Petals of Paladin: Call them off! Call them off! First rubber sticks and now psychopathic twins. People are so violent nowadays. Kidding, kidding. Here's that update you wanted.

cuito: Aww everyone's a perv on the inside, but we virgins just have so much more fun with it. Hey can you tell this was my first time, and what a hard freakin' time I had, writing the scenes between Sakura and Sasuke?

flowerangel050: What can I say, gags usually come easy for me.

psychedelic aya: Trust me the wonders of Sasuke, Naruto, and parenthood combined will be even better. I got so many ideas for that one, not all will be used, but hey I got them.

MissxRae: If chapter 3 was effing adorable I wonder what classification chapter four falls under.

Sakura-Girl 2005: O.O' Reviewing all three at once. Wow, you must have really liked them. What's this one's rating?


	5. Curly Pink Locks and Baby Fuzz

Happy I survived Hurricane Rita everyone! And I say that to any who may have wondered where the hell I've been and didn't bother to check my profile to find out. Considering I live in the city the eye of the hurricane made landfall on my property came out pretty okay. A few busted windows and two extremely large holes in the ceiling were the worst of it. It's still livable-which is good for my mother, my dog, and I because none of us could stand staying in that hotel room much longer even if it was for free- especially now that water, electricity, and cable(and since I have a cable connection, internet as well) have been restore. Ah well, enough small talk. You didn't click the title just to read my rambling.

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Naruto I wouldn't be living in a house with busted ceilings and windows, now would I?

It had been a simple, seemingly harmless question. A harmless question that he had never spared much thought on. A subject he had never deemed important before, but was now consuming ever processing fiber of his brain and it did so with good reason. This was a dreaded couch-question. A question where if the correct answer (i.e. the answer Sakura wanted to hear) wasn't given he would spend a good few nights getting chummy with his favorite piece of lumpy, hard furniture (which he found to be very strange as he distinctively remembered buying a soft, squishy couch should he ever have to face a couch-question and utterly fail at providing the accurate response).

"What if Sano-chan had pink hair?" It had started off as such a nice evening too.

-/-

As much as Naruto-and well every single ninja who knew that The Uchiha Sasuke was an Icha Icha Paradise fan (which wasn't many, mind you)- liked to joke that he was a boob fiend there was nothing perverted about the rapt attention he paid while watching Sakura breastfeed their eight month old son. It was the most amazing thing. No matter how many times a day and no matter how many days a month that he watched he never grew tired of it. How could he? Right there was the newest living addition to his clan. He still had trouble believing it. He was a father! That was his son (maybe it would finally sink in after a few more years)!

"Beautiful." Sasuke whispered, brushing a finger down the baby's cheek and feeling the little muscles in his mouth working to get food. It was a term he knew had been used to describe him and given who his parents were the baby could expect to be called beautiful as he grew older as well. Right now though his son was still very pink with a tiny head adorned with colorless fuzz (when would he grow hair anyway?) and he looked more like a son of TonTon than a son of his. All the same Uchiha Sanosuke was the most beautiful wrinkled, pink, bald bundle in the world to his mother and father.

"Sasuke-kun?" Sakura had asked after the baby had been properly feed and burped and had started to nod off in her arms. "What color do you think his hair will be?"

Black, of course, was what Sasuke had thought though the words never left his mouth. "What?" He asked instead.

"His hair. What color do you think it'll be?"

Again Sasuke's mind supplied an answer that was never spoken out loud. Black. What else would it be? Maroon?

"What if Sano-chan has pink hair?"

Pink? Sasuke arched a brow staring at Sakura like she was crazy. Why on earth would his son have pink hair. It was going to be black. That was all there was to it. The sun rose in the east, birds flew, fish swam, Naruto loved ramen, Jiraiya wrote porn, and Uchihas had black hair. End of story.

"Pink? Why would-" His mouth snapped shut. Gods bless his good sense. Sakura was glowering and looked ready to burst into flames. What had he done? No. Really what did he do? Was it wrong to assume his son was going to have black hair? Why was Sakura-wait! Sakura! Cherry blossoms! Pink! His _wife_ had pink hair! The mother of his child _had_ pink hair. Damn it, that wasn't fair.

"Where are you going?" Sakura near growled as Sasuke sprang off the couch and quickly found somewhere else to be.

"Teething ring." Sasuke said, hurrying into the kitchen.

One could best describe inner Sakura as an enraged harpy. The outer Sakura's description wasn't much different from that. The fussy baby in her arms kept her from following her husband into the kitchen and throttling him. If he thought he could get out of answering this he was sadly mistaken. It could almost be seen as a guess the sex of the baby fight, but this was so much more important. Sakura needed an answer. It couldn't be dropped as easily. Sano would eventually grow hair and if it came out pink how would life be for him? Sakura was no fool. She knew that a little boy with pink hair was bound to get teased as much as the little girl with a broad forehead she had been so many years ago, but that wasn't what she wanted to know from Sasuke.

That look he'd given her told her that he'd honestly never thought any child of theirs would have hair any color other than black. Which was so unbelievable stupid she had to quell the urge to get up and throttle him again. His mind was so set on black! What if Sano had pink hair! How would her husband feel about a pinked haired heir?

"Your Tou-chan's an insensitive donkey." Never too early to watch what one says around their child.

**-/-**

"Pink." Sasuke muttered, pulling an apple from the freezer and a kunai from his holster. "Pink." He repeated, slicing the frozen apple into even little quarters. Three of the quarters were placed back into the freezer while the remaining slice was wrapped in a wet, child-sized washcloth. "All the kunoichi in Konoha and I fall in love with the one with pink hair." Not that he was really complaining. He loved every part of Sakura and he'd love her hair even if it were a neon green -but thank goodness it wasn't- especially since it always smelled so nice. Which reminded him that he really needed to catch her in the shower sometime before she had a chance to wash her hair so he could find out if that scent came from the shampoo. Not that he'd never caught her in the shower before, but hair was usually the last thing on his mind when he did. "A pink haired Uchiha." He supposed-while bracing himself to face the furious and temperamental woman he'd left in the living room- that it was rather stupid of him to not consider it before. It was a possibility. A good fifty/fifty chance actually.

"Sakura." She answered with a patented Uchiha glare. When had she learned that? That was his look! "Sakura." He tried again. No such luck placating her like that. With a sigh Sasuke joined her on the couch and popped the washcloth encased apple into Sano's mouth, smiling as the baby gummed it enthusiastically. It was actually ridiculous how hard it was to find a teether that Sano liked. Store bought ones were tasteless and offered very little motivation for him to bite, biting mommy when he was feeding had already been established as a no-no, and while Sasuke found nothing wrong with giving him a blunt kunai or shuriken to chew on the same couldn't be said for Sakura.

"Sasuke-kun, I-"

"He's my son." Sasuke interrupted, giving the baby's bald little head a rub. "He's our son." Sakura gave him a look that clearly said Tell-Me-Something-I-Don't-Know-I-Was-There-When-He-Was-Conceived. Well maybe it didn't say all that, but that certainly was the gist of it. "You're my wife." The Tell-Me-Something-I-Don't-Know look wasn't wavering. "You have pink hair." The look was fast becoming a I'm-Getting-Royally-Pissed-Off one. "You're still an Uchiha." All looks had officially dropped off Sakura's face. Sasuke's face on the other hand was sporting a smug smirk. "A pink haired Uchiha isn't so new. You're both mine and hair color can't change that. End of story." Sakura gave him a good a slap on the back of his head just for being so smug about it.

"You really wouldn't care if you had a son with pink hair?" The arched brow came back.

"Why? Are you pregnant again? Already?" Sakura gave him another slap and for some odd reason he couldn't fathom, called him a donkey. Sasuke laughed. "It's going to be black. If you want little Sasukes with pink hair you're going to have to wait for the next time around." He teased poking her belly lightly.

"End of story, huh?" And the sun rose in the east, birds flew, fish swam, Naruto loved ramen, Jiraiya wrote porn, and Uchiha Sasuke knew how to answer a couch-question and come out unscathed. "Say Sasuke-kun, I've been meaning to ask…" Sasuke cocked his head and motioned for her to go on. "Do you think I've got my figure back?" Damn it, that wasn't fair!

fin

I was cleaning out the den about two days ago when I came across this book filled with over 2,000 home remedies on various everyday health problems proven by several doctors to work. It was a very interesting read and I found out so many things-including what the heck a hemorrhoids was cause I'd heard it mentioned in Family Guy, Ultimate Muscle, and DBZ and didn't have clue as to what they were talking about- and what does that little book have to do with this you may be wondering? Considering how my mind works surprisingly alittle or surprisingly a lot. I came across the chapters on breastfeeding and teething and some how this came about. Don't worry, I don't get it either.

**Preview:** None this time around. I wanna focus on getting the previous ones out first before I let my imagination run rampant on another idea.

To**: me me me and only me.** Glad you found it as such.

**tatasumari.** Here's the update as soon as I could get it out. Got to know though is Sano still creepy?

**XxaoshixX**. Always pleasing to hear.

**Darkofthenight.** If you think so I have done my job.

**YingYang-chan.** And chapter five's good? So so? Awesome? Flyzillia? (I watched too much Smart Guy when I was young)

.**Ayane Selznick.** Here it is. Next time and SasuSaku all the way!

**Petals of Paladin.** Woah boy, nice to know I'm no longer on a possible target and hey I'm a "good ol' fan fiction writer"! No ones ever described me that way before. It makes me so happy!

**Yuugi-chan.** Perhaps if I was a bit more comfortable with the characters they would be. I'm still getting use to the controls so I'm a little hesitant on what to allow and what to not allow a character to do. Eh I'll get there eventually and yes poor Sano-chan's eyes were very much tainted, but it was all in the name of humor so no worries!

**Saku-iimoto.** Unfortunately soon for me was a good deal away but it's here, finally. Hehe, you know I just love getting such an enthusiastic reviewer.

**kurama-kawai ** . Forgive me if this sounds like I tooting my own horn, but I know that feeling when you just stumble onto this totally amazing fic. I should have started writing Naruto fanfics a long time ago. Apparently they seem to be my calling. My first tries were such flops the only time I saw reviews like yours was when I looked at someone else's story.

**IQSymphic.** I have only one thing to say. Your kid will never need a Sex-Ed class.

**sasuke's cherryblossom . **Life is just full of eiery little coincidences like that, isn't it?

**white-rosekiss. **Well if he wants to restore that clan he better be taking the A-rank missions like his life depends on it.Please to know you found this one to be the funniest.

**Crystal Renee.** Not this time? Ya mean you'll wait until my guard is down then beat me like I owe you money-or in this case a chapter? And you put a character with Hinata and it's not all that hard to get cute.

**PinkLadyDiva.** Whoohoo! My story fulfilled it's purpose! Now I can die happy….But I'm not doing it anytime soon because if I did I'd miss the premiere of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

**psychedelic aya** . Hope you didn't hurt yourself in that fall. I'd just hate to injury a reviewer.

**Gamergirl333.** You're crying! Aw, here's a tissue, but don't stop laughing. That's what I'm here for.


	6. When You Need Someone To Talk To

Writer's block is a sin against nature and all that is good and pure. Because I am running on three hours of sleep and am falling asleep at my keyboard, that shall be all.

**Disclaimer**:…………………….. If you haven't figured it out now you're an idiot.

Hinata had a problem, a very serious problem. It was such a serious problem in fact that there was just no way she could possibly solve it without the help of her girlfriends and it was just Hinata's lucky day (week, month, year) because her girlfriends happened to all live with her in the same apartment. All she had to do was pick a friend, knock on their door, and initiate a conversation while gradually working around to mentioning her problem. It would be resolved in no time!

Resolve hardened, Hinata set off to Sakura's room.

-/-

She was standing just outside of the pink haired kunoichi's door with her hand poised to knock when a loud cry of "Sasuke-kun!", sent her shrieking and stumbling backwards into the hallway wall. Perhaps Hinata shouldn't have been so surprised that Sakura was in her room with Sasuke doing… having… Well she was busy. It really shouldn't have surprised her since Sakura (After a rousing game of 'I Never' that sadly, predictably, and-she thought bitterly- pitifully had ended with Hinata being the only one who could walk away sober.) had told them that she and Sasuke had lost their virginity when they were seventeen, which was a good three years ago. At least that was what it sounded like amongst all the "Damn it, Ino-pig! Gimme a break! I've had like-fails miserably at trying to remember just how drunk she actually is-….A lot of shots already!". Anyway, despite the fact that it shouldn't have shocked her she had still received a good scare. Though it may have been due to the fact that Sakura usually went to Sasuke's place for this and -Good grief! It was still noon! Couldn't they wait until nightfall or at least until nobody was home?

THUMP. THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.

Eyes widened in absolute horror at the unmistakable sound, Hinata quickly slid along the wall and away from Sakura's door. "Maybe I should try Sakura-chan later?" She wondered.

THUMP. THUMP. THUMP. THUMP. Or not. She may not be as addicted to gossip as Ino was, but that didn't mean she wasn't present when the girls started talking about their boyfriends or more specifically their sex lives. Unless Sakura had simply said it to have one up on Ino, and Hinata desperately hoped that wasn't the case because she'd never get pink haired Uchiha godchildren if Sasuke was terrible in the sack, she and Sasuke would be at this for a while. "Maybe TenTen-nee-chan?"

-/-

It was quiet. Too quiet. So quiet that Hinata didn't dare knock on the door or call out TenTen's name. There was something oh so very wrong here or maybe something wrong was going to happen. In any case it would be best if she first prepared herself for the worst and what other way did a Hyuuga prepare for the unknown other than, "Byakugan."

-/-

"Ugh…" Hinata moaned from the floor. So far she had made nothing but dry heaves, but she was not budging from her worshiping kneel in front of the Mighty White Porcelain God until that horrendous image was shoved to the farthest, darkest corner of her mind. That had been just as bad as seeing Naruto and Sasuke kiss back in their genin days. Wait, what was she saying? It was not just as bad! That little kiss couldn't compare to what her eyes had seen and her eyes! They burned! They actually, really burned.

She'd seen what the Hyuuga genius was packing and Good Golly Miss Molly she now knew what put that extra bounce in TenTen's step whenever she came back from the Hyuuga compound. Damn it all, though! She hadn't wanted to know. Not then and certainly not now. There was nothing in the world that could make her want to see her older cousin naked.

"Why is Neji-nii-san here anyway?" That was without a doubt the dumbest question ever asked and Hinata was painfully aware of it. It was obvious why her cousin was here. Well it was obvious from the tiniest glimpse of TenTen's room she'd managed to see before rushing off to the nearest bathroom. Neji-nii-san was here so he could sex TenTen-nee-chan up. No, that was wrong. He'd already sexed her up by the time Hinata had stupidly used her Byakugan. Now they were cuddling, or sleeping, or.. Hell she didn't know! She'd only seen enough to permanently burn their naked bodies into her memories. Oh the horror!

"Should I even try Ino-chan's room?" Whether it was another dumb question or a serious consideration it was dismissed as quickly as it had been voiced. Had this day gone normally she wouldn't have considered confiding in Ino. Besides, with the way her luck was going she'd probably walk in on some Boar Deer Butterfly threesome. "Ugh.." This time she had an offering for the Mighty White Porcelain God.

-/-

"There's a bright side to all of this." Hinata said, searching for her silver lined cloud after she'd slipped out of the apartment. "They'll be too exhausted to do it tonight." She'd found her silver lining and clung desperately to it. For if she let go of it for even a instant she would fall back onto her problem and the fact that everybody and their grandma (Tsunada!) was doing it with their boyfriend wasn't helping.

-/-

"Ittadakimasu!" Naruto exclaimed before digging into his sixteenth helping of ramen. He slurped up the noodles in record time and drained the bowl. "Hey, hey!" He yelled shaking his empty bowl in the air. "Another miso-eh?" He swiveled around in his seat in time to see Hinata walk by. "Hinata-chan!" He gave an enthusiastic wave, but the girl passed him by without a hint of acknowledgement. "Hinata-chan?" He slapped a few notes and coins on to the counter, slid off his stool, and ran after her.

Naruto fell in step right beside her and still she seemed oblivious to his presence. "Hina-chan." He breathed into her ear. Hinata shrieked for the second time that day while spinning around and slapping her palm to Naruto's chest. The fox boy went down hard.

"Oh Naruto-kun! Are you okay? I'm so sorry." The blond ninja waved her concern off and sat up rubbing his chest and grinning.

"I should be asking you if you're okay." With an aiding hand from Hinata he climbed to his feet and dusted off his clothes. "You walked right by and you were so deep in thought. I was thinking that maybe you might need someone to talk to."

"Naruto-kun…" She really loved this boy, but she'd be covered in honey and staked out on an ant hill before she discussed her problems with him. Not that she thought Naruto wouldn't understand or couldn't help her. On the contrary she was afraid he would understand. She was afraid that he'd find out that she was still in love with him. In fact she had been since she was a little girl and-He still hadn't figured it out! Dumb blond. Why was she worried he'd find out now. "Thanks Naruto-kun. I do need someone to talk to." Bring out the honey, folks!

"Great!" Naruto grabbed her wrist and dragged her off. "I know the perfect place."

-/-

"Nice view, isn't it?" Naruto stated while gesturing to the village below as he and Hinata settled on top of the Hokage monument. "Okay." He said, not giving the girl a chance to answer his previous question. "You wanted to talk." And talk Hinata did. She'd never had a conversation this long with Naruto. She actually surprised her self with how easy the words came. Once she stopped worrying about her love for him stuttering had become a thing of the past. Not that Hinata had completely thrown caution to the wind. Her problem had been about Naruto and what she planned to do about him. So many years gone by and she hadn't really made any progress. It wasn't like Sakura who had fallen in love with a revenge freak (No offense to Sasuke). Once he'd gotten over his crush on Sakura a few years back he'd been up for taking and she'd never made a move. Hinata justified this by saying that neither had he, but it was just a simple fear about being rejected.

Of everything she talked about she spoke of her love for him the most. She didn't do it out right. Heavens no! As the sad truth about Naruto was that he just wasn't the sharpest kunai in the pouch she felt she was safe speaking of her "friend's" forlorn love. She told of the "girl's" fears, shame for being unable to proclaim her love, and anger at the boy for not catching on. The sun had started to set by the time Hinata had run out of things to say.

"I can't help your friend." Naruto said suddenly. The Hyuuga heiress jerked her head up and turned red under his intense stare. He shuffled closer to her until he was sitting directly in front of her. "Do you still like me Hina-chan?" Hinata looked down at the hard stone of the monument, at the darkening sky, the lights of the village, anything but his blue eyes.

"W-why do you ask?" Naruto leaned closer still.

"Because," his breath on her face brought her eyes back to his. "I can't help your friend, but I can help you." With the same clueless grin that could fool anyone, and had fooled Hinata into thinking he wasn't aware of the fact that her friend was herself and he was the boy in story, Naruto closed the distance.

_Fin_

Since we're not supposed to put review responses in our fics anymore, I'll save the replies for emails and after I gotten a good few hours of sleep. See you in my next chapter which shall involve Sano, Naruto and Hinata's kid, and several other children in a oneshot just for the Christmas holiday.


	7. Daddy Day Care

Wow, I've been gone a long time haven't I? Well that's why I'm posting twice today.. Anyway here's chapter seven.. Her ending's a little rushed because I wasn't sure how to end…. Actually I think this chapter kind of drags on and I don't find it all that funny, but since I've been working on it since September 2005 I'm not going to complain too much about it. Beware of grammar errors as I don't have time to correct them. My bus will pull up any minute now. Enjoy.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Naruto. Uh, ya think?

-/-

In some ways it had a little to do with being an Uchiha, and not just any Uchiha but the first born of Uchiha Sasuke and Sakura, but it mostly it had a lot to do with just being a naturally bright boy. Though he was far from being arrogant about it Sano was very aware of how smart he was and eagerly awaited the day that he'd be old enough and/or attained complete mastery over all his motor skills (whichever came first) to enter the ninja academy and follow in his father's footsteps.

In any case the point was that Sano was intelligent, knew he was, and yet for some unexplainable reason despite the brain power of his four and a half year old mind he thought taking rides in a dryer, with it set on high, was a good idea. Furthermore he thought taking rides in dryers with two little babies was a good idea and would have done just that had Tezuka not wisely pointed out that there wasn't enough room inside for Sano, Touya, and Akari. Sano was, however, not one to let such a minor detail spoil the fun and just as Tezuka wisely pointed out he cleverly suggested that Touya and Akari go after him together. They were so small that they could count as one toddler. Even the much older (by three years) Tezuka could not argue against such logic and with the little problem settled he opened the dryer door so the Uchiha heir could climb inside, but we're getting ahead of ourselves. To properly appreciate and understand this supreme lapse of judgment we must go back to earlier today.

-/-

"Bye Hinata-chan! Don't worry. Me and Akari-chan will be just fine!" Naruto yelled, giving his wife an energetic wave as he watched her walk away with her friends.

There was Uchiha Sakura, his pink haired ex-teammate and the former Sasuke enthusiast Nara Ino. Weapon specialist Hyuuga Tenten and the copy ninja's wife Hatake Kurenai. The Godaime and current Hokage Tsunada and Shizune. The pig TonTon… Wait a minute.

"Hey why is Baa-chan going with you to the spa? Shouldn't she be behind a desk drunk off her ass?" Poor Naruto never saw the Hokage's fist coming.

"Hokages need a break every once in a while." Tsunada said, dusting off her hands while Naruto's body gave brief little twitches of life. "And women Hokages need them especially." The blond ninja sat up with a groan and a black eye.

"But who's taking care of the village if you're going on break?" He shot Tsunada a questioning glare. "And what do you need a break for anyway? All you do is get drunk, gamble, and sleep."

"Well you like to pick in between your toes with old chopsticks, but you don't see me telling the whole world." She gave him another hit for insinuating that she did not work.

"You just did!" Naruto yelled at her back as walked away and passed a very green five month pregnant Sakura.

-/-

"Hmpf!" Naruto grumbled picking up his daughter from her crib and flopping into his favorite easy chair. "We're fine, aren't we Akari-chan? We don't need to call Sasuke-teme." His daughter replied by smiling a mouth full of gums and clapping her hands. "That's right. Tou-chan can handle you for a day." At least he hoped he could. After all it wasn't the first time Hinata had left him alone with their daughter, but this was the first time she had left the house to do so. "Maybe.." No! Naruto shook his head firmly, refusing to doubt himself. He was responsible. He could take care of his own daughter. He did not need help, especially from Sasuke, and-What was that horrific smell? "A-Akari-chan?" He looked down at his little girl. Her round face held the deepest look of concentration, bright blue eyes screwed shut and tiny hands clenched into fists.

"Oh God no." Naruto moaned. The stench got worse.

-/-

"Okay, we're ready." Though some might have viewed it as extreme Naruto had thoroughly prepared to change his daughter's diaper. He'd slipped a gas mask on over his face, donned a pair of latex gloves and a blue apron, and had even managed to scrounge up his tools and tool belt(which had gone missing after he went Mr. Fix-It on the sink and water spouted from the stove for days). Pulling a pair of pliers from his belt to clamp the sides of Akari's diaper with he slowly and gently eased the cloth open. "Oh Dear God! What has your mother been feeding you?" The pliers dropped to the floor as Naruto cringed away from the soiled diaper. Had it not been for his gas mask he was sure his eyes would have watered. How could something so horrendous come from his sweet, baby girl? "Okay, okay, it's just a little baby poop. I've faced worst. I can change a diaper." Pliers back in hand and clamping the edges of the cloth Naruto took another tentative peek inside. "I need a specialist."

-/-

Sasuke arrived with Sano and his Cujo-like dog surprisingly fast(Naruto suspected that someone had tipped the Uchiha off).

"Why did you bring that thing?" Naruto asked, casting a wary glance the dog's way and as if sensing the blond ninja's eyes on him the dog turned its massive, shaggy head and growled. Naruto silently congratulated himself for not flinching The beast could smell fear.

"I had a check-up today, Naruto-oji-chan!" Sano proudly yelled, pumping a small fist into the air. "Tou-chan said big boys don't cry when they get a needle and I didn't cry at all." Naruto watched in utter fascination as Sano ran up to the Uchiha pet and pounced on the big hound's back. Other than whipping its wide head around to give the boy's face a lick with its long, pink tongue the dog did nothing. Why that thing was always growling and snapping at him, Sasuke, and just about every other male ninja was a mystery to him. Even Akamaru, who actually had a few good inches of height on the beast, treaded softly around the Uchiha hound. "Tou-chan promised I could bring one thing if I behaved like a big boy and I chose Momo." That explained why it was here, but why had such a big, mean dog been given a cute name? Cerberus would have fitted its personality better.

"Naruto." Said ninja jumped, slightly startled and suddenly remembering Sasuke was still there. "Where's Akari-chan?"

"On the changing table." He replied, hooking a thumb towards the nursery. Sasuke frowned.

"You left your daughter on the changing table?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Waaaaaaaaaah!"

-/-

"Damn dog." Naruto growled while wrapping a bandage around his bleeding calf. Momo growled back.

"It's not his fault you were stupid enough to leave a baby unattended on a changing table. You didn't think she'd roll off?"

"She's never rolled off before."

"Has Hinata ever left her alone before?" Sasuke countered while he dabbed a little cream on the small bump on Akari's head.

"No." Naruto miserably grumbled. He stared guiltily at where his daughter sat in Sasuke's lap. She was sucking a pacifier and holding perfectly still while her godfather applied a bandage to her battle wound. Naruto idly wondered if she would have been that calm if her were the one tending to her. If Momo hadn't sunk his fangs into Naruto's ankles when he'd heard Akari start crying he would have found out.

"She's not dead." Personally Sasuke thought Naruto should be grateful that it was just a tiny bump. The table wasn't that high off the ground and Akari had been more scared than hurt. "You're not the first parent who's ever let their child fall off a changing table and I doubt you'll be the last." The first time father gave a shrug.

"It doesn't matter if I'm the second or the sixtieth parent who's done it. I should have known not to do it in the first place." Sasuke sighed tiredly before leaning forward and boxing the side of Naruto's head. "What the hell was that for?"

"Get off the pity pony, dobe. It doesn't suit you."

"No one's a perfect parent, I know-"

Akari interrupted the conversation with a loud wail that dropped her pacifier out of her mouth and into Momo's awaiting jaws. The hound quickly slinked away to "play" with his new toy before it could be taken away.

"Akari-chan, you can't need to be changed again." Naruto took his daughter back, slipped his index finger inside her diaper and pulled his hand back so he could peek inside. "Totally dry."

"She's probably hungry." Naruto nodded in understanding before depositing Akari into her high chair and unbuttoning his shirt. "What the hell are you doing?" Naruto couldn't possibly be that stupid. There was just no way he was that stupid.

"This is the way Hina-chan always feeds her." The blond ninja answered, reaching for Akari. Sasuke knocked his chair over in his hurry to slap Naruto's hands away.

"You don't have breast, dumbass!" Was he planning to scar his daughter for life? Naruto snorted in laughter, walked over to his refrigerator, and opened it to reveal that the door was lined with filled baby bottles labeled with the time that they were to be given to Akari.

"You should have seen the look on your face." In favor of giving him an actual response Sasuke simple glared holes into the back of Naruto's head while watching him quickly heat the bottle. "Here you go, Akari-chan." Now properly pacified with a meal his daughter quieted down and the two fathers relaxed.

"Dumbass!" Sasuke's neck whipped around so fast he felt and heard the bones snap. "Dumbass!" He was so dead. Sakura was going to murder him.

"Sanosuke!"

-/-

Any parent worth their salt knew that children had greedy little ears that were always ready to snatch up new and interesting words. Any parent worth their salt should have told Uchiha Sasuke that. Had he been armed with this knowledge he probably would not have spent the better part of two and a half hours convincing his son that 'dumbass' was not a word that good little boys used and that unless he wanted to upset his mother, or get his father in trouble, he would never use that word again. Sano promised, crossed his heart and hoped to die even, that he'd never say 'dumbass' again, but let's not put too much faith in the memory of a four year old.

-/-

Television was absolutely, totally, and completely amazing. Its hypnotic effect on children was something Naruto had never appreciated until now. The only problem was that The Wiggles marathon was driving him up the wall crazy and judging from how badly Sasuke's eye was twitching and the amount of times he had stabbed himself with his needle the marathon was killing him too. Of course The Wiggles shut up his daughter and godson so Naruto was willing to sacrifice sanity (and Sasuke willingly sacrificed his fingers to the needle) for a little peace and quiet.

"How's Kyuubi doing? His head back on yet?" Blood spurted from Sasuke's thumb.

"That answer your question?" Sasuke extracted the needle from his skin and went back to work on Kyuubi, all the while cursing his luck… and The Wiggles. "Do me a favor and teach Akari-chan how to respect the property of others."

"Wait! Teme!" How dare that jerk imply that his daughter was to blame? She was only a few months old and it wasn't like she knew any better. "You're trying to say that was Akari-chan's fault, aren't you? Why don't you teach Sano-chan how to share?"

"My son doesn't have a problem with sharing, dobe." Naruto was crazy if he thought this was Sano's fault. Kyuubi belonged to his son and he had every right to react the way he did. None of this would have happened if Akari hadn't tried to take the plush in the first place.

"Well my daughter doesn't have problems with her manners." He wasn't just implying. Sasuke was putting the blame on Akari. How? Sano had started it when he refused to let her play with Kyuubi and tried to take it from her.

"It's your brat's fault!"

"Brat!"

"Tou-chan?" Sano tugged on his father's shorts either oblivious to or ignoring the way Sasuke and Naruto were glaring, practically growling, and looked ready to maul each other. "Tou-chan?" Sasuke brushed his hand away.

"Not now."

"But the door Tou-chan!" Sano jumped up on his toes fisting both his hands on his father's clothes and then dropped down nearly taking Sasuke's shorts with him. "Someone's at the door!" He continued tugging while pointing down at the door where persistent knocking could be heard.

"You should get that." Sasuke glared.

"Your son told you." Naruto glared back. He wasn't going to lose to this baby accusing jerk.

"It's your house and your door." Damn him for being right!

-/-

"Neji? What are you doing here?" Had yet another veteran father been tipped off. Was he here to help too? Did no one trust him?

"Here." Neji said, thrusting a warm, sleeping bundle into Naruto's arms. "I need you to watch Touya for a while." Naruto stared down at the baby in his hands.

"Why are you giving me Lee's kid?" The baby was undeniably the son of Rock Lee. He had incredibly thick eyebrows for a baby and the same inky black hair as his father though fortunately it was much to short to be styled into the bowl cut that Lee and Gai was known for.

"I have a mission. It shouldn't be more than a few hours, but Sasuke's with you, right?" Naruto nodded dumbly still wondering what reason Hyuuga Neji could possibly have for dumping someone else's kid on him. "Good, then you can watch them both."

"Them both? Them both who?" For such an accomplished ninja it shouldn't have taken so long for him to notice the two little boys, more specifically his twin nephews Tezuka and his younger brother (by one minute and forty-three seconds) Kaoru Hyuuga, standing at Neji's sides.

"Here's the baby bag, Naruto-oji-sama." Baby bag? Then Neji was serious? He was going to leave these children with him and Sasuke? That was three more kids than Naruto was willing to try to handle!

"Wait." Kaoru squeezed passed Naruto's legs and ran into the house. "Wait." Tezuka shoved his way through and followed after his brother. "Wait." Touya began fussing and squirming in his hold. "Wait a minute!" When he looked back up all he could see of Neji was his retreating back. "Agh! You bastard!"

"Waaaaaah!"

-/-

"Okay, he's not hungry. He doesn't need to be changed. He doesn't want to nap or play and he doesn't have gas." Touya had started crying the moment Neji had left and hadn't stopped since. Not even The Wiggles could appease him.

"You've covered the basics and still don't know what's wrong." Sasuke had found a new hobby. Nothing beat watching Naruto struggle with a baby and utterly fail.

"If you can't say something useful, shut up."

"Here's something useful. Maybe he just doesn't like you." After receiving a highly skeptically look he held out his hands. "Give him to me." Touya became silent seconds after being placed in his hands.

"That doesn't prove anything."

"No, but this does." Sasuke held the baby out to Naruto.

"Waaaaah!" He pulled the baby back. "…." He moved the baby back towards Naruto. "Waaaaah!" He moved him back. "…" Towards. "Waaaaah!" Back. "…"

"Looks like he likes me more." Sasuke lightly tossed him into the air, smiling when Touya squealed in laughter. "Can you say Sasuke, Touya-chan."

"Tch, good luck with that one." Lee hadn't even gotten his son to say Daddy yet, or any variation of the word, and he actually thought he could teach him to say 'Sasuke'?

"Sas-sas-sas! Sas!" Touya said, smiling widely and showing off the few stubs of teeth he had in his mouth. Naruto swore he heard them go 'Ping!'

"Close enough." Sasuke was really starting to get annoying.

-/-

"Naruto! What's taking so long? You got molasses up your ass?" Sasuke snickered as he watched Naruto curse out his stove and then, apparently forgetting that he was bare footed, kick the kitchen appliance just to hop around the room on one foot howling in pain. "The kids are hungry."

"What did I tell you about saying something useful?" Good for nothing freeloader. "I'd have food on the table faster if you'd help." Sasuke just smiled and shook his head.

"That would spoil my fun." He knew it. Naruto couldn't cook to save his life unless the food had 'Instant' stamped all over it. "Why don't you admit defeat and make ramen?"

"I can cook. I just-I just need a more simple recipe." He fell back on an old cliché', "Cooking for Dummies".

"Aa, the dobe's guide to cooking." Sasuke could practically see him burst into flames at that comment, but Naruto continued to diligently work. He was soon splattered with food and staring proudly at his creation. "I can't believe it's not ramen." It was in fact a stack of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but still it wasn't ramen.

"Made from scratch and you said I couldn't cook."

"You dobe. PB and J sandwiches a chef do not make." Naruto scoffed.

"It's not ramen. You-" Kaoru ran into the kitchen nearly slamming into Naruto's legs. "Whoa, I know you're hungry, but-"

"Naruto-oji-sama, they're putting the babies in the dryer!"

"What?"

"Aaaaaaaah!" **THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!** Sasuke was out of his chair and running before Naruto could even register the sound. He came in just behind Sasuke to see him wrench the dryer door open. Sano flew out and into Naruto's opened arms.

-/-

Sano had been a little shaken from his spin the dryer (and easily topped Akari rolling off a table), but no real harm was done. Except when Sasuke beat Naruto bloody for laughing during the middle of his lecture and Naruto beat him right back for failing to see what was funny about children being so bored that they decide to take rides in dryers.

-/-

The day went on from there with few mishaps (Naruto discovered the difference between changing a baby boy's diaper and changing a baby girl's. Stand clear!) and eventually the hour when the wives (and Neji) would be back approached.

"Nothing left to do now, but bathe them." Sasuke said, seemingly out of the blue.

"Do we have too?" Naruto groaned from where he laid on the floor. Minutes ago he'd been trapped in a free for all wrestling match with Sano and Tezuka.

"Akari-chan has jelly in her hair." Sasuke answered.

"How'd that get there anyway?"

"Sano-chan slapped his sandwich on her head, remember?"

"Oh yeah." Naruto hadn't budged.

"I'll take, Sano-chan, Kaoru-kun, and Tezuka-kun." Touya hated him, but that still left the babies to Naruto, and-Wait a minute! Sano, Kaoru, and Tezuka were all old enough to bathe themselves! Sasuke had left him with all the real work again!

-/-

Touya's bath was extremely quick as true to form the baby had taken aim and fired the moment air touched his skin, plus he wouldn't stop screaming and biting Naruto. Akari's bath was a much more pleasant experience and it was during the middle of it that Sano wandered in squeaky clean and smelling of soap. The little Uchiha walked right up to Naruto, took one look at Akari in her little tub and screamed, "The Snake-Man cut her wickie off!" Later Naruto would learn that there were certain advantages to telling your children little white lies like, "Sano-chan, behave or the Snake-Man will kidnap you and cut your wickie off", but that is another story.

_fin_

"I can't believe it's not ramen." Corniest line ever right? Well I might have golf practice this afternoon so the earliest the next chapter will be posted is 6'o clock tonight. See ya then.


	8. My Brother's Eyeshield 21

Funny thing, I didn't have golf practice today, but I was dead tired when I got home from school so I made a beeline for my bed instead of my computer. You'd think that would teach me that I can't run on four hours of sleep. Anyway here's that next chapter like I promised. It's much shorter and only took two days to write and speaking of writing I have the first page of chapters 9, 10, 11, and 12 all ready written. Now I need to decide on which idea I want to develop first. Oh well.. Enjoy.

**Disclaimer**: Everyday I daydream about being a character in _Naruto _with my own team, my own sensei, and my own hidden village, but never do I dream about owning _Naruto_. Because that's just impossible.

-/-

"Uchiha-san?" Sasuke grunted and turned away from the annoying shaking. "Uchiha-san?" He rolled away again. "Uchiha-san, please wake up. Sakura-san-" Sasuke abruptly sprang out of his chair.

"Sakura! What's happening? Where is she? Where am I?" Sasuke looked around frantically. Most of the occupants of the room had stopped to stare at him and the lady at the reception desk was smiling and waving cheerfully.

"Uchiha-san, please clam down. This is a hospital. You brought your wife in at four this morning, remember?" It was starting to come back to him. Sakura yelling at him to wake up, rushing to the hospital, staying behind in the waiting room with Sano, and then things got fuzzy after there. He must have fallen asleep somewhere along the way.

"How is she?"

"She's doing fine. Would you like to see them now?" Sasuke gave a nod and walked back to where he'd left his son. The four year old had nodded off just like his father; curled up in a ball on the chair with his overnight bag still strapped to his back.

"Sano-chan." His son mumbled something like, "Five more minutes," but otherwise ignored the gentle shaking. "Come on. You're a big brother now, Sano-chan."

"Not chan." Sano grumbled as he sat up, rubbing his eyes. He'd been protesting to the suffix ever since he figured out that he wouldn't be the baby of the family anymore.

"All right, Sano-kun." Said boy nodded approvingly at the changed suffix and climbed out of his chair. He wrapped he hand around three of Sasuke's fingers to show he was ready to go.

"This way please."

-/-

"They're right in there." The nurse had told him before leaving mere seconds ago. Sasuke was a little confused. Why was both his wife and newborn baby in the nursery? Shouldn't Sakura be in bed recovering? Despite his questions and doubts he looked through the large window anyway, scanning the room for a flash of pink or black (Of course there was a chance the baby was born bald like Sano was).

Though a baby blanket or two tricked his eyes a few times he finally spotted a baby wrapped in pink with a tiny thatch of hair an even darker shade of pink. A daughter.

He had just started swelling with pride when another flash of tiny dark pink hair caught his eyes. To the left of the crib his daughter laid in was another baby wrapped in pink. Two daughters. Sakura had twins. That was what the nurse had meant. His daughters were in here.

"I can't see." Sano whined from the ground. Being small was such a burden, but his father soon remedied that by picking him and pointing out where his siblings were located. "Still can't see. That nurse's big butt's in the way."

"Sano-kun." He was right. The nurse's big butt was in the way, but the boy was obviously spending too much time with Naruto.

"Those three are mine, right?" Three? Sasuke followed his son outstretched arm and pointing finger to three small cribs with the name Uchiha on them. Two of the cribs belonged to his pink haired daughters and in the third crib was a red haired baby wrapped in blue. Sasuke closed his eyes, rubbed them, and then looked again. Nope, there wasn't a change. The crib still said Uchiha and the baby still had red hair. That one was his too. His wife had been pregnant with triplets. . . Now that he thought about it Sasuke realized that is was very fortunate for him to fall asleep in the waiting room with Sano. With three births at once Sakura had probably (She'd done it several times actually) entertained the thought of castrating him with something dull during labor.

-/-

Eventually Sasuke and Sano were reunited the tired mother and wife; followed closely by three nurses. Each nurse carried a baby and after they'd settled them in Sakura's room two of the nurses left. The one that remained stood at the foot of Sakura's bed with a pen and clipboard in hand. "Names?" She asked.

Sasuke, who was holding their daughters in his arms, looked at Sakura. Sakura, who was holding their son and had Sano seated next to her in the bed, looked at Sasuke. They shrugged simultaneously.

"You should name him." Sasuke said after a few minutes of silence. "I mean, I named Sano-kun." It only seemed fair to him.

"And you're going to name our daughters?" Sakura asked. Did her husband even know any girl names?"

"I probably shouldn't." He said about as sheepishly as he possibly could.

"Well, I'm not naming all three. I did all the hard work, all ready." The poor forgotten nurse fidgeted nervously.

"Sano-kun, can name his brother." Sano, who was playing with baby brother's feet, looked up at his father and visible lit up with excitement at the suggestion.

"Umm," the forgotten nurse drew the attention back to herself. "Names?" She asked again.

This time Sakura looked at her daughters. The baby on Sasuke's left arm was the oldest of the triplets. "Tsubame." She looked at the baby on Sasuke's left arm. She was younger than her sister by two minutes and twenty-three seconds. "And Shiori."

"And the boy?" The nurse continued to fidget with her clipboard. She could just imagine Sano naming his brother Cat Pee or something just as weird.

"I know!" Sano hopped off his mother's bed and ran to the corner where he'd left his overnight bag. He pulled the bag open and rummaged through it before emerging from it triumphantly holding a graphic novel. "Let's name him Sena!" Sano ran back to his parents and the nurse and showed off the comic. "He's my favorite character from _Eyeshield 21_."

". . . . ." Sasuke was the first to speak.

"You want to name your brother after a comic book character?" Sakura wished he hadn't.

The nurse flinched. That name was a lot better than Cat Pee. In fact it was a very good name. Maybe the rumors about that man having ice in his veins were true.

"You-you think it's a bad idea?" Sano had thought he'd chosen a great name. Did his father disprove of it because it was based off a person who wasn't real? Did this mean he didn't get to name his brother?

"Nurse," Sasuke addressed the woman, who really just wanted to escape this awkward moment by sinking into the floor, instead of answering his son. "Their names are Uchiha Tsubame." Really what was she thinking? Sinking into the floor was asking for the impossible. "Uchiha Shiori." She stood a much better chance of being struck by lighting. In fact if that man broke his son's heart she prayed lighting struck her so she wouldn't witness the hell he wife would bring down upon his head. "And Uchiha Sena."

The nurse smiled as she recorded the names down. The rumors were wrong.

"And one more thing." Sasuke said, suddenly remembering an extremely important detail. He grabbed Sakura's suitcase and dug through it until he found what he was looking for. Once he had it in his hands he carried it into the room's bathroom and closed the door. Seconds later the sound of the flushing toilet could be heard. Sasuke walked back out the bathroom with a smile of someone who'd just accomplished something vital.

"What did you flush down the toilet?" Nothing irreplaceable, Sakura hoped.

"Those conception pills. That worked too damn well."

_fin _

I'm starting to think that I missed the humor in Chapter 7 because I read the jokes so many times, but hell if other people find them funny who am I to judge?


	9. Reason To Come Home

You know I would have had this chapter out much earlier than this but I bought Kingdom Hearts 2 last Saturday and combined that with my work schedule and I just didn't have much time. I have seven class periods and during this whole week I was only awake for two of them(oddly enough, if you have a jacket a gym floor is a very comfortable place to take a nap right before lunch or maybe my school is just weird that way).

Well this chapter was based off a old Disney commercial.. At least I think the commercial was for Disney… Eh, it doesn't really matter since the similarities are very small. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto I be Masashi Kishimoto or at least Japanese, but I'm neither. I'm African American and my name is none of your darn business, dream killer.

-/-

Some time during the night three year old Uchiha Sanosuke slipped out of his bed and into his parent's. He carefully climbed over his father's legs, crawled up the bed and then wiggled around until he was snuggled between his parent's chests. Settled and comfortable Sano quickly fell back to sleep.

Minutes after Sano'd dozed off Sasuke commented, "He does this every time I have to leave for a mission," but never opened his eyes.

Sano shifted and turned away from the sound of his father's voice. He buried his self closer against Sakura and popped his thumb in his mouth.

Sasuke sat up, finally opening his eyes, and looked at his son. His hair was as spiky and unruly as ever and he was wearing the pair of red footy pajamas Sakura insisted on dressing him in because he hadn't grown out of them yet and still looked adorable in them.

"Never fails." Sano refused to stay in his own bed whenever he found out that his father would be leaving for a long term mission. Sasuke assumed it was because he wanted to enjoy every minute his family was together even if he wasn't awake during the time. It made sense as Sano never managed to wake up in time to see his father off.

"Goodnight, Sano-chan." Sasuke whispered as he kissed the top of his son's head and then, because he knew she was awake, leaned over and kissed the smile on his wife's lips. "Go to sleep Sakura."

-/-

Early that morning while the sun was still sleeping Sasuke rose from bed and disappeared into the bathroom. Thirty minutes later he emerged equipped and dressed in full ANBU uniform except for his mask which sat on its own stand on top the dresser. He crossed the room to retrieve it, but paused as he reached the bed and stared down at his little family. His wife and his son. Something seemed a little different about Sano but Sasuke couldn't place his finger on what it was. In any case they were all he had.

Being careful to not disturb Sano, Sasuke leaned over Sakura placing both hands on either side of her body as he lowered his self and buried his face in her neck. Sakura immediately turned towards him; she'd probably been awake since the moment he'd left the bed. Sasuke claimed her lips again and, smiling when she eagerly responded by wrapping her arms around his neck, he gladly deepened it.

"I love you." He wouldn't be home for a while.

-/-

"Arg, where is it?" Lift the couch. Not under there. "Did I leave it here?" Pull bookcase away from wall. Not even a dust bunny. "Maybe here." Check under table. No-"Ouch!" Watch out for table before standing up, but not there either. "Where's my kunai hostler?" Naruto was sure he'd seen it around here somewhere.

"You left it on the TV." Hinata called from the kitchen and of course she was right.

"Oh." Naruto strapped his hostler to his leg and then assessed himself in the mirror. He was still forgetting something. "Hinata-chan!" He called, turning around. "Have you seen my-"

"Here." Hinata replied, slipping the red fox mask on her husband's face. "I found it in the refrigerator." How had it ended up in there? "I think Sano-chan hid it in there the last time we babysat him."

"The chibi Uchiha's as adorable as he is a handful." Naruto pushed his mask up and grinning broadly enveloped his wife in a hug. "We'll have our own little handful soon." He dropped to his knees and nuzzled his face into her stomach.

"I'm not even showing yet." Hinata laughed while trying to pry him off. He had to leave. "You're going to be late meeting the others."

"They can wait." Naruto stood up and pushed Hinata backed into the wall.

"Naru-" He covered her mouth with his own.

"They… can wait." He said once they separated. He then leaned back in to get another kiss.

A kunai whizzed by between them just centimeters from Naruto's nose.

"What the-!" Naruto shot away from Hinata and looked towards the direction that the kunai had come from. "Sasuke you mood wrecker! Voyeur! Teme!" He continued yelling at the raven haired ANBU lounging comfortably on the sill of his opened window.

"Good morning Sasuke-kun." Hinata greeted.

"More like goodbye." Sasuke turned to the still fuming Naruto. "If you could manage to peel yourself off your wife we would like to get going."

"Give me a minute… and some privacy." Sasuke grudgingly did as requested, climbing out of the window and turning away.

Five minutes later he had to peel Naruto and his lips off Hinata and dragged him through the window by his hair.

"Say 'hello' to Neji-nii-san for me."

-/-

"What kept you two." Neji asked from where he sat outside his door with the ever quiet Shino.

"The dobe's sudden need to procreate. Oh and Hinata says 'Hello.'" Naruto scowled.

"I was just kissing her goodbye."

"Tch, you were playing tonsil hockey and going into overtime."

"Break it up children." It was best to stop it now while they were still just verbally abusing each other. "Let's go." Neji stood up, dusted off his uniform, and fell in step behind Shino who made himself scarce at the first sign of Sasuke and Naruto's fight. The other two ANBU, still snapping at each other, followed after.

Kaoru shot out the house with his brother and Tenten just a step behind him. "Otou-sama!" Neji turned around in time to catch his youngest son in the middle of a flying leap. "You can't go yet!"

"Kaoru, why aren't you in bed? Or at least wearing something on your feet? Never mind." He continued to reprimand his son as he carried him back to his mother. "You're going straight back into bed, you hear me? You're sick and shouldn't be outside dressed like that."

"He's a real mother hen, isn't he?" Shino and Sasuke agreed.

Neji set Kaoru down just inside the door. "But-but Otou-sama-"

"Back to bed." His son sniffled and began to shuffle away when his mother stopped him with a small touch on the shoulder.

"Neji-" He knew what was coming. He was being too stern, his son was only six, he wasn't dieing of pneumonia for Pete's Sakes!

Well he could have been! "You mother him too much." Tenten just shook her head and nudged her son forward.

"Go on." Still sniffling Kaoru shuffled back towards his father and threw his arms around Neji's legs.

"I didn't get to say goodbye like Tezuka." Actually Tezuka had simply looked up at his father and asked him to bring back an enemy kunai, but that was the way the older Hyuuga twin said goodbye. Kaoru was a mama's boy and much more emotional. "I woke up and Okaa-sama said that you had all ready left, but you can't go yet." Kaoru would say the exact same thing to his father every time he left for a mission, long term or not. Unfortunately yesterday he'd been sick with a fever, confined to bed, and had slept through the whole night. He'd missed his usual chance to say what needed to be said. Had Neji and the others been on time to leave this morning he would have woken up much too late and missed his chance again. "Come home safe." Kaoru could never let his father leave without saying that to him first. He was afraid that if he forgot just once Neji wouldn't return; in one piece or at all.

Even Shino had to admit (never say, but admit) that it was a touching scene when Neji pulled both of his sons into a fierce hug and promised them he'd be home safe with an enemy kunai and hell maybe even an enemy shuriken too. Then Sasuke and Shino politely looked away and Naruto let out a loud, "Woohoo! Go Neji!" when the Hyuuga gave his wife a much different goodbye.

-/-

It was just as they were approaching the gates when Naruto suddenly realized that they were an ANBU short. "Hey, where did Shino go?" After a moment's searching they spotted him a few paces back silently conversing with a bee that had perched atop his finger. For a couple of minutes they stood there starring, then the bee flew away and Shino headed out the gates like nothing had happened. "What was that about?"

"Maybe it was the wife?"

-/-

There was one good thing about having a very rich client. They knew how to provide for their bodyguards. Nothing beat a long (and fast since they were running extremely late) journey like discovering that the man who hired you had no problem renting out five stars hotel rooms for the ninja assigned to protect him.

"Why do you get the bigger bed?" Sasuke twitched. He would be the one stuck sharing a room with Naruto. As rich as their client was he was also just cheap enough to rent two doubles instead of four singles. "What are you looking for anyway?" Naruto asked, watching Sasuke rummage through his pack.

"I didn't notice this morning, but this is heavier than it should be." He finally gave up searching and just flipped the pack over dumping its contents onto the bed.

"Hey, that's-" Sasuke picked it up.

"Kyuubi." He turned the plush over inspecting it. No mistake. It was his son's.

"Sano-chan doesn't go anywhere without that."

"No, he doesn't." Sasuke had thought something had seemed different about Sano this morning and now he knew what.

"We'll have to get that back to him, won't we?"

"Guess it's just one more reason to come home safe."

_fin_

I think my priorities are a little mixed up. I have an essay due this Monday and all I have written for it is half a page worth of notes. I've spent all week writing this.. when I wasn't snoring away with my face in a textbook anyway. Yeah, my priorities are mixed up.


	10. I Challenge You To A Duel!

Wazzup! Who missed me? Anybody? Somebody? Nobody? Okay, never mind. I think this is the longest chapter for this fic that I have written.

For your enjoyment, please read.

****

Disclaimer: Screw you!

-/-

His father had warned him that things like this would happen. There he was just minding his own business during lunch at the academy, eating the bento that had been heavily packed with rice and tomatoes by his mother and listening to his two best friends Kenmaru and Kazuma bickering with each other when it happened.

"Uchiha Sanosuke, I, Kanou Daisuke, challenge you for Yuka-chan's heart!"

_"Let me see if I have this right. First you beat up a boy, who before today you didn't even know existed, for a girl." Sano wrinkled his nose at the assumption that he'd actually get into a fight for that silly girl. "And then you punched the girl you were fighting over." Sakura sighed. "I know we raised you better than that."_

_"Kaa-san, that's not how it happened." The ten year old grumbled._

As previously stated his father had told him that he might encountered problems such as this when he entered the Ninja Academy. He was the first born son of Uchiha Sasuke. This of course meant girls, and the occasionally older woman hoping to trick him into an engagement with her daughter, would be flocking to him. He just never understood how much of a pain in the neck the experience would be until it actually started happening.

-/-

"Sano-kun, you want this?" Okada Kazuma asked shoving his half eaten bento box under the Uchiha's nose. He was all ways cheerful and full of energy, and had been the first friend Sano had made at school. He was a good two inches smaller than the Uchiha heir with short light blond hair that curled out at the ends, pale skin, and dark blue-gray eyes. Older women had a habit of pinching his cheeks and telling him how much like a cherub he looked, and yet despite his fair features he was an excellent genin-in-training. In fact he was one of the three boys in his class vying for the position of Top Ranked Rookie.

"Sure, I'll take them." Sano raised his chopsticks and plucked up every red piece of fruit he could find.

"Ai-oka-chan keeps forgetting I'm allergic." He poked around in the food checking to make sure nothing was left before he dug back in with relish. "Did she put any tomatoes in your lunch Kenny?" Kazuma asked turning to his brother and the third boy fighting for Top Ranked Rookie along side him and Sano.

Takashi Kenmaru shook his head quite certain that his mother was just determined to constantly get their allergies mixed up as he stared at the abundant amount of strawberries in his lunch. They were so different he didn't see how it was possible. For one his hair was a messy mop of sandy brown and his eyes were a mossy green. He wasn't nearly as playful nor did he have boundless energy. Where Kazuma looked delicate Kenmaru looked more rugged. He was two and a half inches taller, his skin tanned and his face was more angular even for a child. True they were only half brothers who shared the same father (oddly enough Kazuma was the oldest at three weeks and four days), and they looked nothing alike, but Kazuma had lived with him and his mother since he was two. There was really no excuse. "Here." He said tilting his box to push the unwanted strawberries onto Kazuma's rice. "And stop calling me Kenny."

"Ny mot?" Kazuma asked, his mouth full of sushi. "Mis ah ba-" He finally swallowed, "It's a great name and Sano-kun doesn't mind his name!" He thumped the boy excitedly on his back causing his raven haired friend to choke on his beloved tomatoes.

"What does the name you call Sanosuke have to do with anything? I'm telling you to stop calling me-!" He paused as a shadow fell over them and glanced up at the interloper. "Who the hell are you?" The boy smirked down at them, his arms crossed over his puffed out chest and his blue eyes shinning triumphantly. He looked vaguely familiar, especially with that stock of reddish orange hair, but Kenmaru just couldn't place him.

The boy's lips curled upward slightly in a sneer at the brunette's question before his eyes shifted to the raven haired boy calmly chewing on a rice ball. "You!" The boy yelled, stabbing a finger in Sano's direction. "Although I'm sure you all ready know who I am since I'm this year Top Rookie, I'll tell you anyway." He coughed and paused dramatically, and then shouted with his fist clenched in front of his face. "Uchiha Sanosuke, I, Kanou Daisuke, challenge you for Yuka-chan's heart!"

Sano wiped the stray rice that hadn't made it into his mouth off his lips. As he licked his fingers he stared up at Daisuke and said, "Do I know you?" While the self proclaimed top rookie's face burned an angry red Kazuma turned to sharply poke his brother in the shoulder.

"Ne, Kenny, I thought you, Sano-kun, and me were top of our class." Kenmaru sighed irritably, and gave his brother's shoulder a hard shove.

"We are, you idiot, although how you manage that I will never know." Kazuma seemed to ignore the barb at his intelligence in favor of frowning confusingly at Daisuke.

"Well then who's this clown?" The aforementioned clown was silently seething as the two brothers discussed him and his so-called rival, having apparently decided that some boy he didn't even know wasn't worth his time, had gone back to enjoying another of his mother's delicious rice balls.

"I told you who I am!" Daisuke snapped, slapping Sano's rice ball out his hand to regain his attention. "My name is Kanou Daisuke, I'm the best in class, and I'm challenging you, Uchiha Sanosuke, to a fight for Yuka-chan's affections!"

"Uh-oh." Kazuma shook his head, staring at Daisuke with eyes full of pity. "You are so dead."

"Dumbass." Kenmaru snorted.

"What are you-" He blinked and Sano was gone, completely disappeared from under the tree. The next sensation Daisuke felt was his face being forcibly shoved into the grass from behind and dirt flying up his nose. He yelped as his arm was twisted painfully behind his back and a sandaled foot dug into his signature orange hair.

"You want to fight me so badly, fine, but lets make one thing clear. I don't know who Yuka is and I don't care if you marry her and have twenty kids. This fight is about you ruining my last rice ball!"

-/-

"Yuka-chan, hurry!" Fuji Yuka's head shot up from her book, eyes locking with her frantic friends. "You have to see this! Sano-kun's fighting some boy from Class 3-C for you!"

"What!"

_"Damn it! Have you seen this school roster?" Fuji Okubo yelled while slapping the stack of papers down on the coffee table and turning to his wife._

_"What's wrong now?" Keiko sighed tiredly._

_"Look at this!" Okubo picked the papers up, flipped passed a few, and then jabbed at a name. "Do you know who this is?" Keiko read the name Uchiha Sanosuke and stared at her husband hoping he'd elaborate. "It's that traitor's son!"_

_"The man paid his debt to the village. Let it go, Okubo." Her husband shook his head sourly._

_"Wouldn't surprise me if turned out just like his father."_

_"Why does this bother you so much?" He was a harmless eight year old boy. What could he have possibly done to make Okubo so upset?_

_"You remember what that man was like at the academy." Keiko nodded, and ticked off a few adjectives._

_"Moody, depressed, antisocial, and angry at the world. I don't think his son has the experience needed to pull off those emotions."_

_"I meant all the girls that were constantly surrounding him." Her husband griped. "His hormones probably work perfectly fine."_

_"Oh I see." Keiko smirked. "This is about Yuka. You think our little girl is going to get a crush on Uchiha." Okubo scoffed._

_"Yuka-hime has much better taste. I just want that boy to stay far away from her. He'll be trouble, I just know it."_

_"Well he's in Class 1-A and she's in Class 1-B. I doubt that'll be a problem."_

It had only been two years since she'd overheard the discussion her parents had about her classmate, but she certainly remember well what her father had said about one Uchiha Sanosuke. The boy was trouble.

"Who's he fighting exactly?" Yuka asked once she caught up with some of the other students.

"I heard it was that dead last from Class 3-C, Kanou Daisuke." A boy said from her right. "This is going to be great! Sanosuke-san is going to flatten him!"

"What did he do to piss Uchiha off, anyway?" Another boy, this time on her left asked.

"I heard he bumped into Sano." One kid yelled.

"Nah, Uchiha-kun wouldn't fight over something that trivial." A slightly older girl said while shaking her head. "He must have deliberately offended him. Like insulted his mother or little sisters."

"Chances are more likely Daisuke insulted his father." Someone snorted.

Then before Yuka could stop her Morino Rika opened her big mouth and said, "You all have it wrong." She made a tsking noise while wagging her finger and pointed at her friend. "Sano-kun found out that Kanou likes Yuka-chan too. They're fighting for her."

"What!" Several voices yelled at once

-/-

"Sanosuke, you're acquiring an audience. Wrap it up before you attract teachers." Kenmaru warned. He had never seen a more one-sided fight than this one. Kanou had never stood a chance and Sanosuke was so angry about losing his last rice ball that Kenmaru doubted he was even thinking of pulling his punches. Speaking of punches. "Stop that!" His fair haired brother was long overdue and with all the dancing and cheering he was doing on the sidelines he deserved the blow to the head he'd just received.

"What was that for?" Kazuma moaned, rubbing his scalp. His brother gave him another signature scowl, but didn't answer. Instead he inclined his head to the growing number of children surrounding them. "Right. Crowd control." Kazuma picked up a stick, preparing to start dispersing the other students. He never got the chance.

"Uchiha Sanosuke!"

-/-

Sano considered his self to be a pretty mellow boy. He didn't get upset often or easily. Few people actually managed to bring out the anger he'd inherited from his parents. The fury that lurked beneath the surface, but Kanou Daisuke had done it quite spectacularly. So spectacularly in fact that all Sano could feel and hear at the moment was the small amount of warm sticky blood smearing across his knuckles and the distinct cracking noise Daisuke's now slightly crooked nose made as he pulled his fist back. He couldn't hear Kenmaru's warning, didn't notice Kazuma's enthusiastic dancing, nor was he able to acknowledge the loud combination of insults and cheers coming from the growing crowd.

"Uchiha Sanosuke!" He heard that however, but only because it was accompanied with a sharp slap to the back of his head. Shocked gasps filled the air and Kazuma, ever the dramatic, hopped to his friends defense brandishing his trusty stick.

"Hey, no interfering! This is a fair fight!" He yelled, shaking his stick at the one who dared to interrupt. Sano let his grip on Daisuke's collar go slack and the boy immediately crumpled to the ground at his feet, cradling his bruised face in his hands.

"You call this fair!" Sano shifted his feet, turning to stare at the girl trading screams and glares with his friend. "Uchiha was beating this poor boy into the ground!" She must have been the one who hit him. "How could you do this?" He arched a brow when he realized she was addressing him now.

Sano shrugged his shoulders and answered in the most bland voice he could manage, "He was asking for it."

"You see, Yuka-chan, you see!" Rika interjected before her friend could say anything more. "I told you they were fighting over you." She nudged the other girl playfully. Yuka was mortified to notice a light flush rising on her cheeks.

"Rika-chan, be quiet!" She shoved the brunette back into the curious mob. "Uchiha, I don't know what made you think I'd actually like a boy who-"

"What on earth are you talking about?" Sano asked, both brows now lifting in question. "Wait." He held his hand up to stop Yuka as she opened her mouth. His emerald eyes narrowed as he study the girl in front of him. She was about his height, maybe a few centimeters shorter, her hair was so dark it appeared to be violet and it flowed down to the middle of her back. Her eye color was much closer to Kenmaru's than his own. It was definitely green, but there was a gray tinge to it. "You're the Yuka-chan that my lunch was disturbed over." Sano stated his eyes zeroing in on the dusting of freckles across the girl's nose. She was cute he supposed, but certainly not enough to warrant the thrashing her admirer just got. "Did you fill this idiot's head with ideas of challenging me for you?"

"You think pretty highly of yourself, don't you Uchiha?" The nerve of him!

Sano smirked. "You came over here claiming this fight to be about you. I don't think I'm the one with the big head." Yuka's face was turning so red Sano was honestly wondering if steam would began whistling out of her ears or something to that nature. She was certain to explode in some manner.

"You-you!" Her small hands curled into tightly shaking fists as Sano cautiously braced himself for the attack he knew was coming. Kenmaru climbed to his feet, his head whipping around in search of the nearest escape route should a teacher show up. Rika, who's common sense had finally caught up to her hopeless romantic sense and made her realized the awkward position she'd put her friend in, nervously chewed her fingernails. The mass crowd of students, in their various ages and skill levels, all waited with baited breath for Yuka's reaction. Kazuma… Kazuma stood perfectly still, entranced with the large yellow butterfly that was perched on the tip of his nose. "You jerk!"

In Sano's defense his reaction was actually fairly normal. The moment he realized that Yuka intended to hit him again, the moment happened to be when her fist started its crash course for his face, it took him a split second to decide that he would beat her to the punch. Literally.

"Wow." Whether Kazuma was talking about the fact that his best friend had just socked a girl in the mouth or the second yellow butterfly circling his head was anyone's guess.

Sano gulped, dropping his arms as he stared down at Yuka. He honestly didn't think he'd hit her hard enough to knock her off her feet, but on the ground the girl was. Her lips were swelling, split, and bleeding and there were-What was that?-tears welling in her eyes. Was she seriously crying?

"Uchiha Sanosuke!" Crap! He knew that voice. He was in trouble. "What are you doing?"

"He beat up Kanou and hit Yuka-chan, Iruka-sensei!" The loud mouthed girl tattled. Double crap! He was in a lot of trouble.

-/-

Uchiha Sena had never been particularly fond of his role as the baby of the family so at age five when his father explained to him that his mother was pregnant again and it meant that he would soon get a new baby brother or sister, ecstatic was high on his list of emotions. Then his baby sister, Uchiha Mikoto, was actually born and Sena's emotions hopped onto a Six Flag's rollercoaster. He was happy, sure, he was finally someone's Nii-chan and he was determined to be just as good if not better that his own. He knew he wasn't jealous of the attention Mikoto-chan received. She was a baby and needed help to do just about everything. Sena understood that. In fact she could have some of his extra attention. For instance the kind his older sisters paid him before corralling him into one of their dumb tea parties.

No, Sena decided while peering over the crib railing at his baby sister, he was jealous of her in a much different way. The problem laid in the fact that she looked too much like their father. Same dark hair, same dark eyes. It irked him that she was such a perfect carbon copy while he looked nothing like his father. Sure he heard the standard lies. He had his father's nose, his jaw, his lips, and his ears and Sena didn't want any of them. He wanted hair like his father and brother, not the burgundy monstrosity that grew from his scalp and while he thought his mother had pretty eyes he still wished his eye color was something closer to onyx. Sena knew he was being a brat about this and that it certainly wasn't Mikoto-chan's fault that he'd been born with red hair and green eyes, but that didn't mean he couldn't be mad at her like it was.

"Enjoy it while you can. When I get my Sharingan I'll definitely be more like Tou-chan." Sena said, reaching into the crib to poke Mikoto-chan's fat little tummy. The baby squealed, kicking her chubby legs in the air and Sena grinned before he proceeded to poke her again.

-/-

Sakura wasn't sure how suspicious she should be of the fact that Okada Kazuma was standing on her doorstep without Sano-kun or his brother. "A little early to be out of class, don't you think Kazuma-kun?" The boy shook his head, blond bangs flying in every direction.

"Iruka-sensei gave me a mission, Sakura-sama." He started digging around his pockets. "I have to give you this letter." His digging turned slightly more frantic when he didn't immediately find the piece of paper. "Aw, I think I dropped it, but don't worry Sakura-sama I'll find it!" He did a quick about face preparing to sprint back the way he came when Sakura noticed the note safety-pinned to the back of the boy's shirt and caught his collar before he could race off. If it was complex and intricate Kazuma was a regular whiz kid, but give him a task as simple as delivering a letter and he was bound to screw it up. Which is why Iruka wisely attached a second note to the blonde's back. If Kazuma didn't know he had it he couldn't lose it.

"I think I found it." One sharp yank ripped the note right off his shirt.

-/-

"This is all your fault, you know." First she got him in trouble and now she wouldn't shut up. Why did this girl have to be so annoying! "You really have no one to blame, but yourself." Sano shot her a murderous glare. If he could will someone's body to burst into flames from just looking at them Yuka would have been a smoldering pile of ash right-Wait! No! Injuring the girl was how he got into this mess.

"Funny." Sano spat. "I can think of plenty of people to blame. Like that broom head weakling or your frog mouthed friend."

"Leave Rika-chan out of this!"

"If she hadn't made it sound like I go around beating kids up for fun I-!"

"What do you call what you did to Kanou?"

"I didn't even know who he was until he waltzed over, challenged me to a stupid duel and knocked my lunch on the ground. I didn't start that fight so don't get all bent out of shape because I knew how to finish it!" A loud cough drew their attention away from each other.

"I see nether of you have calmed down." Iruka said. Yuka laughed nervously and gave a little wave to the husky man standing behind her teacher that she knew to be her father.

Sano groaned. His forehead hit his desk with a solid thunk when he saw the pink hair that could belong to no one but his mother. _I am so doomed._

"Yuka-hime what happened?" Okubo took one look at the dark haired boy sitting several seats away from his daughter, another look at his daughter's bruising lips, and began to see red. "You brat! What did you do to my daughter!" Sano might have been frighten when all two hundred and something pounds of enraged overprotective father started running towards him had his mother not appeared in front of him and knocked the man back to the door with a single flick to the forehead with her index finger.

"I'll take my son home now Iruka-sensei, and I promise he won't do something like this again." Sakura pinned her son under a stare that made its own promise of extreme pain and torment if he didn't agree with her. "Won't you, Sanosuke?"

Sano cringed. His mother called him by his full first name._ I'm more than doomed._ He bobbed his head in accordance.

-/-

"Let me see if I have this right. First you beat up a boy, who before today you didn't even know existed, for a girl." Sano wrinkled his nose at the assumption that he'd actually get into a fight for that silly girl. "And then you punched the girl you were fighting over." Sakura sighed. "I know we raised you better than that."

"Kaa-san, that's not how it happened." The ten year old grumbled.

"Then how did it happen?"

"Uchiha!" Although it was quite obvious the call was meant for Sano, both mother and son stopped and turned.

"Aw man, what does that annoying girl want now? Ouch!" Sano took a few steps away from his mother. He didn't want to get pinched again. "Kaa-san, what was that for?"

"Be nice." Sakura warned. Yuka walked up to the pair fiddling with her fingers the whole way.

"Look Uch-Sanosuke-kun, I wanted to apologize about today. Your friend Takashi kind of explained everything after you left and well-I just want to say sorry."

"Hn." A sharp pain on his neck told him he wasn't completely out of his mother's pinching range. "I'm sorry about your face." A light blush rose on Yuka's cheeks. It may have taken some coercing from his mother but he was still apologizing. "I mean you hit like a girl anyway so it would have caused less damage if I just let your punch get through."

"You jerk!"

Today would always be remembered as the day Uchiha Sanosuke found out just how hard a girl could hit. It would also be remembered as the day he lost his last baby tooth.

__

fin

You do not want to know how long I was playing around with this chapter. Sena's scene with his little sister was totally irrelevant and just something I add because I was thinking about it. I thought about adding Shiori and Tsubame in too but I couldn't think of anything for them.

If you get a email alert more than once it's because this website is fucking with me and keeps changing my text when I upload it.


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